My thoughts on sharing this pregnancy journey after my own journey through infertility

For close to five years now I have been one of those women who dreads baby showers, Facebook pregnancy announcements, and those month by month belly shots posted so innocently by moms to be. If you've struggled with infertility you know what I mean. I swore to myself long ago that if I ever became pregnant I would not be one of those people who shares every detail of my pregnancy online for all to see. I didn't want to cause pain to someone else who may be struggling daily for peace in the midst of infertility pain. My own journey definitely has made me sensitive to the struggle that other women face.

Now I find myself pregnant due to a miraculous course of events. No, I am not pregnant with my own biological children, but somehow that makes it even more miraculous! I rejoice in the two lives I am carrying and I have shared this journey through this blog and on my Facebook page. I have questioned whether or not I should continue sharing for the very reasons I just mentioned. I do not want to cause pain, but at the same time I know I personally found so much hope in hearing stories of women who had overcome their childlessness and were now rejoicing in motherhood, whether through adoption or their own biological children.

My hope in sharing my own journey is that I can give hope to women who feel hopeless right now. God has knit our family together in amazing ways through foster adoption of identical twins and now through embryo adoption of fraternal twins. I would never in my wildest dreams have ever imagined we would be the parents of two sets of adopted twins! I wonder how many other people in the world can say that? So, if you are reading this and wondering if you'll ever be a mom, I hope you can open yourself up to the story God wants to write. Don't give up hope and know that I haven't forgotten what those years of longing were like. I hope I am always mindful and sensitive to those still in the trenches of infertility. May the God of all peace and comfort give you rest and peace today.

One, two, or three? Here's the answer!

Can you tell from the picture below? That's right, we're having twins! Ahhhhhhh!!!

Two beautiful strong heartbeats, two beautiful grape sized babies! Amazing and wonderful and a bit overwhelming. I think Shaun is in shock but he seems happy too. I am not shocked because I knew it was a very likely possibility. We have 7 months to get used to this idea so it will be okay. We are doubly blessed today for sure.

The midwife said she doesn't have any doubt that both babies are very healthy. As soon as she moved the ultrasound wand just a little bit I heard a second heartbeat and I knew there were two in there. I am very relieved it's not 3 since I've heard a few of those stories where one embryo splits and you end up with triplets. I definitely would have needed some time to adjust to that news. We've done twins before, we can do it again, right?

I won't be able to stay with the midwife but she gave me three recommendations for obstetricians who are willing to do things as naturally as possible, even with twin pregnancies so I will look into those options.

Tomorrow is almost here!

This is the stage of our baby/babies right now (8 weeks)

It's been a long week. Subzero temperatures means we've been inside all week without going anywhere and I've been counting down the days to my first ultrasound. MOPS was cancelled today because the schools were on a 2 hour delay and I was so looking forward to an outing! I am anxiously excited to finally get this ultrasound tomorrow at 10 AM. Is there one or two babies safely growing inside of me? I can't stop thinking about it and am so ready to know.

If I am totally honest I have to say that I would prefer just one baby after raising one set of twins. Doing twins again is slightly terrifying and so is the thought of being pregnant with twins.We transferred two embryos because we wanted to give both babies a chance at life knowing each embryo only has a less than 50% of surviving. Ultimately we know God is in control of life. He knows what is best for our family, and I trust that. I don't wish for one of these babies to die or not live so I guess it's hard to describe my desires. I guess we will just have to wait and see what tomorrow reveals. More than anything I hope and pray that we will see at least one healthy, growing, thriving baby and see the flickering of his/her tiny heart!

Meeting the midwife

Call the Midwife anyone?

Today we met the midwife for the first time. It was just a consultation to get any questions answered as well as to schedule my first ultrasound. I was very happy with the vibe that I got from the midwife we have chosen. She seemed like a very gentle, calm, kind person. Just the kind of person you'd want to help you through one of the most challenging days of your life.

My first ultrasound will be next Friday. I am excited to finally find out if our family will be adding one or two more people to it! I think there is just one baby but I've had many people tell me they think it's twins. Nine more days and we will know for sure.

I've had several people ask me lately why in the world I am choosing a midwife and a homebirth so I thought I'd give you my top reasons. I know some of you may strongly disagree with these reasons but that is why I am thankful we live in a country where we are able to make these decisions for ourselves. What is right for me may not be right for someone else.

#1 reason I desire a homebirth:
I want to be in control of my own health and the health of my baby in a setting that enables me to labor how I choose and away from the likely interventions that doctors and hospitals can pressure women into who are under a serious amount of pain and stress.

#2
I want to work with a midwife who has a similar philosophy of health that I do. Pregnant women are not sick  and often don't really need a doctors care. I firmly believe that there are more c-sections performed in this country that are actually medically necessary. Midwives are more willing to work with a woman through her labor and not try to rush things. Plus, there are plenty of studies that have proven midwives delivering at home is very safe for women who have no medical problems.

#3
I greatly desire a natural birth experience and being in a hospital setting would put me right in the place that would tempt me to receive pain meds or an epidural in my moments of intense pain. I have confidence in my bodies ability to deliver a baby without pain meds and since this is most likely my one and only pregnancy I'd like to have that experience.

Positives and Negatives

As I was cleaning the kitchen after our usual Saturday breakfast of pancakes and eggs I found myself thinking about the positives and negatives of sharing this journey with you through this blog. For sure one of the big negatives is the fact that I am only 6 weeks 5 days pregnant. Most women aren't even sharing their pregnancy news by this time because early miscarriages seem to be so common. I am very aware of the fact that I am very early in my pregnancy and anything could happen. I don't live in fear of miscarriage at all, but I am not naive. I have known too many women who have experienced the tragedy of early miscarriage and have read many stories of embryo adoption that have started out with good blood results only to find out their baby wasn't growing at a healthy rate soon thereafter.

Sharing this journey means I am opening myself up to having lots of people I know and even some I don't know completely aware of our loss if a loss were to happen. That would make it very hard to face people because I would have a hard time knowing how to handle their sadness for me. On the other hand, if all goes well and our baby continues to grow healthy and strong, we have the blessing of sharing our joy with so many. This baby is a miracle and it is my hope that learning about embryo adoption will lead people to share about it with people they know who might want to consider this option as a wonderful solution to infertility. Educating people is really the main reason we decided to be so open about everything we are going through. There are so many frozen babies needing to find a family!

People have been asking me a lot how I am feeling. The best way to sum it up is that I walk around feeling mildly car sick most of the time and I am more tired. I will lay my head on my pillow during the girls' quiet time each afternoon and I actually fall asleep! I have always had a hard time actually taking naps but that is not a problem anymore. Shaun and I are getting in the habit of heading to bed before 9 PM every night. He gets up before 5 AM for his bus driving route and I am just tired!

We have our first appointment with our midwife next week Wednesday. It is just a consultation to ask her any questions we have and to make sure we are both comfortable with having her as my midwife. Then I will hopefully get my first ultrasound scheduled for the following week. I need to get an ultrasound around 8-9 weeks so I can send a copy to the fertility clinic in Michigan.

We got our first note from the genetic family the other day once they received the news that I am pregnant. They said they are very happy for us and would enjoy hearing updates throughout the pregnancy as we find out more. It's good to know they have positive feelings about this pregnancy although I can imagine it's also difficult to some degree.