I recently read a story of an open embryo adoption from the perspective of a donor family and wanted to share it with you. I really enjoy hearing from their side as it is so unique. I have many people ask me about how our donor family feels about everything, and although I know each person has unique thoughts and feelings, I do get the sense that our baby's genetic parents feel similarly to the couple in the story below. I hope you enjoy!
Our infertility story covers more than 20 years
and stands as a testimony to God’s awesomeness,
wonder, faithfulness, love, and grace! Pregnancy is
supposed to be the most natural and “easy” part of
marriage right? Not in our case. However, the journey
was worth it!
Carl and I married right after my freshman year
in college. After some testing when I was 19 years old,
I was officially diagnosed with polycystic ovarian
syndrome and told that I’d struggle with infertility.
After graduating from college, I went off all
contraception because Carl and I decided that
whenever I might get pregnant would be okay with us.
After three years with no success, we decided to
seek infertility testing and advice. Over the next two
years we did all the basic
testing, monitoring &
rounds of fertility drugs but
to no avail. We agreed it
was time to stop.
I was
discouraged, frustrated and
angry! I knew beyond a
shadow of a doubt that
God had told me we’d have
children, and I was
impatient! I was really
hoping that that meant
NOW. Thankfully, God
knew better and His
ultimate plan was SO much
better than I could have
ever even dreamed!
My reproductive symptoms
& issues continued to escalate over the next six
years with very little answers. By the time we had
been married for 13 years, we both felt that it was
God’s timing to seek fertility help again. We were
stationed in Virginia at the time, and were referred
to a fabulous infertility doctor and her team. They
were able to determine a whole list of other
reproductive problems that no one else had been
able to identify like advanced endometriosis,
ruptured cysts, glucose intolerance, adhesions, left
tube blockage, etc. After a miscarriage, our doctor
also determined that my body fights a fetus like a
virus and worked to kill it within the first few weeks
of gestation. She also determined that I had had
multiple undiagnosed miscarriages throughout our
marriage.
It was determined that my only safe
alternative for a successful implantation and
pregnancy was IVF.
Our first IVF cycle was
unsuccessful, but the second was a tremendous
success! We had 13 very strong embryos. The
doctor implanted two embryos and we waited and
prayed. When the ultrasound specialist informed us
that both embryos implanted & we were having
fraternal twins I think they had to pick me up off
the floor!
At 17 weeks, my husband received orders to
move to San Diego, CA. Pregnant with twins, we drove cross country to a new city with no
friends or family anywhere close. I was
promptly put on bed rest. Blood tests then
revealed that I had developed
hypothyroidism and gestational diabetes.
To make things even better, my husband
had to deploy for two months. Well, we’ll
just say that this time was exceptionally
challenging! After months of bed rest, 2
months hospitalization, and LOTS of
medications, the babies & I made it to
exactly 34 weeks and I delivered two
beautiful baby girls.
That’s the end, right? Not quite! I
quickly developed a severe case of
postpartum depression that was
debilitating, my husband worked 12 hrs a
day, and we had very little help for the first
three years. Our journey was difficult, but a
true testament of God’s grace, faithfulness,
presence and provision in the midst of
trials and drama!
Now, as you can imagine, neither my
husband nor I thought it wise to try again.
Carl and I struggled with what to do with
our 11 remaining precious embryos. We
were not about to destroy them or donate
them for medical research. After a great
deal of prayer and research, we found the
Snowflake Program and agreed that placing
our 11 angels for adoption was the best
next step for us. It took us some time to move on our decision. It is truly difficult to
convey the challenge of releasing control
(which I don’t do well at all) of something so
precious, to someone else to raise .
On the flip side, however, what better gift
could we give another couple than to pay
forward the incredible blessing that God had
given us! We know the struggles; pain;
physical, emotional, mental & spiritual turmoil;
and stress on a marriage that infertility brings.
By 2010, we had firmly made the decision
to place our embryos for adoption and gotten
the paperwork from the Snowflake Program,
but didn’t fill it out. We’ll just go with the
“waiting for a sign” theory; and we got it! My
endometriosis returned after the birth of our
twins. My doctors in Florida agreed that a
complete hysterectomy was the correct course
of action and scheduled surgery for January
2011. 5 DAYS before my surgery, I found out I
was pregnant! What a COMPLETE shock this
was to us and our family! Our third little girl was born happy, healthy and full of smiles!!!
After getting over the shock of our miracle
pregnancy, we jumped right on the embryo
adoption paperwork and received our first
potential adoptive couple’s biography. Call it a
“gut feeling” or whatever you will, but Carl and I both knew IMMEDIATELY that this was
the exact couple for our angels. If you aren’t/
can’t raise your children, it’s very important to
choose an adoptive family carefully. You look
for a couple who is as much like you as
possible and with similar values.
The adoptive family apparently approved
of us too because it wasn’t even two more
months before the adoption paperwork was
processed, signed and complete. We chose an
open adoption with the hope of at least some
communication (pictures and such).
We were thrilled in early 2012 to learn
that the adoptive family was requesting to
communicate with us directly. We then started
emailing with our wonderful adoptive family who informed us that
they had decided to fly out to Virginia Beach,
VA to do the transfer where our embryos were
located. And they wanted to meet us and the
girls too while they were in the area! Oh my
goodness…tears of joy!
The evening of meeting them for
dinner came. To say Carl and I were nervous
about meeting them would be an
understatement! It didn’t take but a minute
before we were totally comfortable and
realized that we had so much in common and
hit it off beautifully! We shared stories,
laughed until we cried, and acted like we’d all been
friends for years! Any sense of doubt we might
have had about putting our babies up for adoption
was put to rest!
Two weeks after their visit, we were blessed to
learn that the transfer had been successful and the adoptive mom was pregnant and 9 months later their precious baby boy was born.
Before going further, I’ll answer a few obvious
questions. First, “Wasn’t it difficult for you knowing
they were having a boy when you had three girls?”
Yes and no is the answer. Yes, I suppose it would
have been nice to have a boy. However, we have
been greatly blessed with three wonderful
daughters and have a total sense of family
completeness. So, there are no feelings of
resentment.
Second, “Was it hard to see pictures of your
genetic son when he was born?” Again, the answer
is yes and no. Was it tough? Yes! We wouldn’t be
human if we didn’t feel some pains, doubt, etc. But,
some of the best things in life have bittersweet
components. We had to look past our own desires,
struggles and doubts to see what a blessing the gift
of life could be to another family who had also
struggled. Looking at the immense joy and huge
smiles on the faces of the adoptive couple make
every bit of the process worth it for Carl and me!
Third, “Did you tell your daughters about their
brother” and “If so, what did you tell them and how
did they take it”? Yes, we told them a few months
after he was born. I had started a “sibling”
scrapbook for them to look at whenever they
wanted. We explained that sometimes couples
struggle to have children, like Mommy and Daddy. We needed help and used a process that created
more children then we could have ourselves. So,
Mommy and Daddy had given another couple (who
also needed help) some of their brothers and
sisters to raise and love too. The girls listened
excitedly, looked at the pictures and were totally
thrilled to have a little brother!
Since his birth,
we’ve stayed in contact with the adoptive couple regularly
and were all blessed to learn that her second
transfer was, once again, successful and she is
expecting a little girl this spring.
It is a wonderful thing to give the gift of life. To
us, it is equally fabulous to be given the gift of
friendship and extended family in such a
phenomenally unexpected way! Only God can
orchestrate something so unique. Carl and I were
only thinking about the possibility of one child and
God provided a testimony of awesomeness that
included five children, two families and more to
come. What does the future hold for our family, the adoptive family, our remaining embryos, and the
relationship between them all? Only God knows!
No matter what, we will stay the course and enjoy
this exciting roller coaster wherever it may lead!
Bring it on!
No comments:
Post a Comment