Musings about these baby embryos

Our 4 baby embryos will be thawed in about 2 days and we will finally get to "meet" them. As it gets closer it is really starting to hit me that those 4 tiny lives have been entrusted to us and all I can really do at this point is pray that at least 1 or 2 will survive the thaw. Each embryo has something like a 40% chance of survival. It's hard to say exactly because I have read different stats on different websites. We feel so at peace about the Lord leading us to this point so I want to believe wholeheartedly that we will get through this experience and in 2 weeks have a positive pregnancy test. I told Shaun yesterday that I find myself mentally preparing for disappointing news, but I don't want to think negatively at all. I want to believe with all of myself that God has brought us to this place and has answered some huge prayers to get us here so it will happen. I know it's important to remain positive but I also am not God so I know I don't know anything for sure.

It's partly because I've faced so much disappointment in the fertility/infertility world that I honestly can't really even imagine getting a positive pregnancy test at this point. It's strange to know that I actually will be pregnant on Thursday. So, I've decided to be completely positive, to use positive words and believe that the Lord's purpose is for at least one baby to be born from these 4 embryos. I can deal with the heartache at the time it comes if I need to but why try preparing for something that may not even happen, right?

We found out last week that we will be thawing all four embryos, and all four were frozen on day three originally. We will be implanting the two healthiest looking embryos right away after the thaw rather than waiting to see if any survive to day 5 in the lab. Embryos are implanted either on day 3 or day 5. The nurse at the clinic asked us what we wanted to do and it was hard to know what is best. It's strange making these decisions because it is so unnatural, yet we have to make them. Ultimately though, I'm not sure it matters what day we implant them on because I truly do believe that whichever embryos are meant to live will live. I am thankful to serve a sovereign God who's hand controls even the tiniest 8 cell embryos!

I will keep you all up to date once we know more on Thursday after the transfer is complete!

One week away. How am I feeling?

So many kind and wonderful people have been so gracious to me this week.  Each person I have shared our journey with has been so excited and encouraging. So many people have prayed for us and are praying for us and these babies. I am mostly feeling relieved to be at this point, to be looking forward to next Thursday morning.

To sum up how I'm feeling I would say I am hopeful but realistic. I am very aware that we may get to the end of this journey with no baby to snuggle and no pregnancy to experience. But, I am also so excited about the fact that these babies have a great chance at life in a week. I completely trust the Lord's sovereign will for us and our family. That doesn't mean I won't grieve if I end up miscarrying, but ultimately it will be okay because God will give us the kids we are supposed to have and He will allow the embryos to live if He chooses to. That is something I have learned over the past 5 years of infertility, foster care, and adopting the girls. Through those challenges the Lord has moved in our lives, changing and molding us and for that I am so thankful.

So, I will continue with the meds, the prayers, and the planning of our trip to Detroit with excitement, hope and faith. Next Thursday will be here before I know it!

Overwhelmed by God's Faithfulness

I had a day last week that was rough. Things were getting stressful with the remodel we are doing right now which is taking up my time and making me feel like a distracted mom, Shaun is job hunting and working a lot, and then I find out that the drugs I will need to be on for the rest of the time up until a positive pregnancy test and 4 weeks later will be very expensive. I was having a difficult time trying to contact my insurance company to find out what they would and would not cover. I don't know if it's just me but I feel like my brain gets all fuzzy as soon as insurance people start talking to me with their confusing terminology. It just stresses me out!

Anyway, Shaun and I had a date planned for that evening (thanks to an Old Chicago gift card that needed to be used) and I was really looking forward to getting everything off my chest. My plan kind of back fired though because my stress only added to his stress and we began really questioning if embryo adoption was really the direction the Lord is leading or if it is something we are doing out of our own desires. Things in our lives are pretty crazy right now as Shaun transitions from full time employment to part time and we launch into seriously building our business. We are spending a lot on this remodel, and there will be some hefty adoption fees/medical bills to pay in the next couple of months. Finances are pretty tight and we are cutting down in every area possible. We have even decided to sell Shaun's beloved Jeep for the sake of what is best for our family right now!

I say all this not to complain, but to set up the rest of the story so you can get an idea of how I was feeling that day.....

We get to the restaurant and by this time we are both seriously questioning our own sanity in trying to do this embryo adoption right now, but we also recognized that God is able to do more than we can imagine and He would see us through any financial struggles if He chose to put us through that. So, we sat in our van and prayed. We prayed specifically for a clear sign of what to do next, a sign to show us that we should continue down the road of embryo adoption. I have truly from the beginning felt like it is the direction the Lord was leading but it's easy to start to question when things get tough.

Dinner ended up being enjoyable and we were able to put aside our worries for a bit to just enjoy each other and the yummy food. We decided to take a hard look at our finances together when we got home (in our family I manage the details of our finances so Shaun doesn't always have as clear a picture of everything like I do). After going over things, I realized that it would be about $5000 to complete this embryo adoption and our savings was quickly dwindling down. I wasn't sure what we were going to do.

Shortly after talking all of this over, we find out from a friend that she and her husband had decided about a month ago to give us $5000 but they just hadn't gotten around to actually giving us the check yet. She said they both felt led individually to give us this money because it wasn't their money anyway, it is God's money and so they are giving us this incredible gift out of the abundance that the Lord has provided them. I starting sobbing, completely overwhelmed by the Lord's faithfulness and ability to meet our greatest needs and even our greatest desires. I told Shaun and he simply said, “Well, I think we got our answer. We continue on with embryo adoption with the Lord's blessing.”

3 weeks!

Three weeks from today we will be boarding a plane to come back home from Detroit with 2 baby embryos safely nestled in my womb. That will be the most pregnant I've ever been and it's strange to think that right now I am soon to be pregnant. We know that there is no guarantee that I will stay pregnant but for the days following the embryo transfer until my first blood draw I will be the happy mommy of two more little ones.

I started my meds on Sunday and so far it's been easy. All I am doing is applying new estrogen patches every other day and taking a baby aspirin every day. I will go in for an ultrasound next Thursday to make sure my lining has thickened and then if all goes well I will start on progesterone and a couple other things a week after my ultrasound. Then, I will be ready for the frozen embryo transfer on October 2nd! I am getting excited!

Through all of this I continue to remind myself that the Lord is in control. We have prayed earnestly for guidance about how to build our family and we have been clearly led to this place. Now, we trust God to do as He wills and we hold fast to the hope that we will soon be parents again to one or two little embryo babies who need a loving home to grow up in. But, even if these babies don't survive we will trust in the good plans God has for our family.