How can I feel so happy yet so sad at the same time?

Yesterday the judge terminated the parental rights for both of the birthparents. It was another very long day in court listening to testimony that continued to point out the fact that bio mom is not capable of showing empathy, nurturing, and love to her children. Much of her deficiency is due to her tragic past filled with trauma that she has not dealt with. It is a very sad fact that her upbringing rendered her an unfit parent to all 5 of her biological children. She continues to make bad choices in relationships and is in a very dark place.

When the judge spoke the verdict yesterday afternoon, my heart was pounding. I was squeezing Shaun's hand and hoping and praying that the Lord would rescue our sweet girls from the grip of the same childhood that their biological mom had had. I was so utterly relieved, joyful, and thrilled that we would not ever have to say goodbye to K and A only to have them returned to a very unfit parent. At the same time, I was filled with empathy and compassion for this 24 year old woman who had just had her 4th and 5th children permanently removed from her care. I was struck by how the world is really messed up- how our sin has ruined the family structure in so many ways. I am so grateful for a God who can redeem and bring good out of even the most ugly circumstances, but the extent of human suffering overwhelms me sometimes. Shaun and I will continue to pray for the twins' biological parents. They are both in very dark places. Only when they figure out that Jesus Christ is their hope in this world will anything ever really be able to change.

and it continues....

After a very long day in court today we left with no concrete answers because there was not time to finish all of the testimonies. The judge postponed the remainder of the hearing until Thursday morning saying that we will for sure be done by noon on Thursday.
The most remarkable thing about today was that Shaun and I were both covered in an amazing peace. A few people told me that they couldn't believe how calm and peaceful I seemed to be. After a very emotional and trying 14 months, it was truly a gift from the Lord to have that peace today. In fact, I have been experiencing that peace for the past several weeks and it has been such a blessing.
The hearing today left us mostly feeling encouraged although it was very difficult to sit there and listen to all the witnesses testifying. Our hearts feel a lot of sadness for the situation that the birthmom is in and although we do not believe the twins should ever go back to her because she is not in a healthy place, we feel a lot of compassion for her as a child of God. She is in a very dark place and has had an incredibly difficult life until now. It is sad to see how the patterns of her childhood are now being repeated in her life and the lives of her older children. We only hope and pray that the twins are saved from that cycle of destruction and are able to stay with us forever where they can learn about how much their Heavenly Father loves and cares for them and where we can continue to love, protect, and nurture them as they grow.

Down to the Wire

In exactly 5 days from now we will be sitting in a courtroom for the termination hearing that will determine whether or not the birthmother's rights will end that day. We are very relieved that the end is most likely near. If the judge rules in favor of termination that means we will be done with visits, done with having to get birthmom's permission to take the girls anywhere, done with so much of the emotional turmoil involved with foster care. We are trusting that God has brought us this far for a reason and we feel very secure in what the verdict will be on Monday. If termination happens there is a chance that she will appeal the decision which means we would have to wait several months before we could get an adoption date, and we are anticipating that she will appeal because it seems like most birthparents do. The good thing is that even if she appeals, visits will still be done and we can begin to enjoy like without the constant reminders of foster care.

Please pray with us for Monday. Pray specifically for wisdom for the judge, for clarity of speech for all the witnesses testifying, for comfort for the birthmother if her right's are terminated, for strength for us as we sit through hours of testimony. We will let you know how things went and we hope and pray we will have good news to share!

Appreciate your prayers

At the risk of sounding like a broken record to many of you who either read this blog, get our newsletter updates, or speak to us in person frequently, we would really appreciate your prayers over the next couple of months. We are really getting down to the final days and weeks before a final decision could be made about the twins and everything about foster care is starting to really wear us down emotionally and spiritually.

I struggle the most because my day to day routine involves 3 visits a week with birthmom, multiple phone calls every month from professionals involved in the case, paperwork that has to be filled out for everything the girls do (or so it seems!), worry and fear about losing my family in 2 months, constant crying out to God for help as I struggle to keep my head above water some days.

Shaun struggles because he hates seeing what it all does to me and he hates that he can't fix it. It's a battle that is tough on our marriage.

I don't mean to complain, but I just wanted to be honest about where we are at right now. We feel helpless sometimes but then we remember that prayer is not a helpless thing to do. It is the MOST powerful thing we can do.

Suckerpunched

Things didn't go as we were hoping at court today. Birthmom has been making some progess the past few weeks and because of that, the judge is encouraging her that she is doing good and if she keeps it up she can get her kids back. None of the professionals in the case are convinced that birthmom is actually making real progess but they still don't have hard evidence of that fact.

Visits will be increasing and becoming unsupervised for the first time in 12 months. This part of it will be incredibly difficult for us to bear, especially if and when they incorporate overnight visits into her schedule. But, we always knew it could come to this and we also know that it's definitely not over yet. As birthmom has more time with the girls she will really have to step it up in order to handle them well. We just pray that the truth is revealed in the next couple of months.

New Life!

Less than three weeks after the fire raged though Eagle Lake Camp there are signs of new life! What a beautiful sight to behold. Just wanted to share this glimpse into what is happening in those fire ravaged areas:-)

Nothing Is Wasted

From the ruins

From the ashes

Beauty will rise

From the wreckage

From the darkness

Glory will shine

Nothing is wasted

Nothing is wasted

In the hands of our Redeemer

Nothing is wasted

The lyrics of this song keep ringing through my head as I reflect on the events of the past 2 weeks. I have read so many beautiful posts from others that put into words so much of what I've been feeling. I wonder if I will even be able to express some what has happened in such a way, but I want to try.

From the ruins, from the ashes, beauty will rise. What a beautiful thought. As I drove up to Eagle Lake with Shaun on Thursday, I was able to see the extent of the fire damage. There were areas that literally had nothing left except blackened, burned tree trunks. No green. No life. Anywhere. There are homes that have all the trees and grass leading up to their backyards completely burned, but by some miracle, their home is still standing. Then, there are homes completely leveled, resembling the scene of a bomb zone from a sci-fi movie. Those families will feel the impact of this fire for months and years to come and my heart grieves for them.

Houses burning in the neighborhood just across the street from us (Photo courtesy of Canon City Daily Record)

So many stories we've heard have had a similar theme...."When we left our home on Tuesday afternoon we felt certain that there would not be a home to return to." God certainly put His hand of protection on thousands because the fire had the potential to do so much more damage than it did.

Now we look to the rest of the summer anticipating the good that God will bring out of this devastation. Our hearts are heavy with the thought of the hundreds of kids who are saddened and disappointed because they won't get to come to camp. Eagle Lake will not be the tool God uses to reach the hearts of those kids, but we pray that He touches them in some other way. We are grateful that Glen Eyrie was spared and that ministry can continue through that property. We will continue with the day camp program for the remainder of the summer as well as launching the new Mobile Day Camp in a couple of different locations. One of the Excursions programs will also continue because it is a program that involves hiking five 14ers in the Collegiate Peaks and that area is a couple hours away from the burn area.

Shaun and the rest of the Eagle Lake staff are moving forward, looking to what needs to be done to provide impactful camp experiences in the summers to come. Some of the areas that we have always used for our adventure activities will likely need to be changed so Shaun will be looking into that and scouting out potential new hiking and biking routes.

Next spring when new life begins to grow in the blackened, dead areas, it will be such an exciting time. We will see God's creative hand at work in new ways. God will use the brokenness, the heartache, the unexpected losses, to bring about His beauty in His ways. For the earth, for Eagle Lake Camp, for all those who lost their homes.