Update on the other 2 embryos

I got a call from the nurse at the clinic yesterday. She informed me that the other two embryos did not survive. I trusted those embryo babies to the Lord, knowing what happened would be good and right. Shaun and I had already decided this is our one time shot due mainly to finances but also due to my health with my recurring ovarian cysts and endometriosis. If those other two embryos had survived we would have had to let the genetic family choose another family to adopt them. Now these two embryos that are growing inside of me are the last remaining genetic children of a very selfless and generous family in Michigan. We are so thankful for the gift they have given our family and we will continue to pray that they both keep growing and thriving.

When we got home from our trip on Saturday the first thing one of the girls said was, "Did you get a baby?" I showed them both the pictures of the embryos and explained that I did get two babies but that they are teeny tiny and growing inside of my tummy. They both asked to kiss the babies in my tummy. It was a precious moment. We've been praying each night with the girls for the babies that will be in my tummy so they definitely have some concept of what is going on, but it's fun to hear it from the mouth of a three year old.

I will have my first pregnancy test next Monday, October 13th. It will be a blood test and I probably won't get the results until Tuesday. I don't want to spend the next week worrying and obsessing over every little possible symptom. I realized yesterday that this is in all likelihood the only time I will ever be pregnant so I want to enjoy each day rather than spending the beginning of the pregnancy anxious and concerned. Life will go on as usual for the next 8 days and I want to just enjoy the thought of two precious lives growing inside of me. I know for most women pregnancy is just a normal occurrance that happens sometimes without even trying, something that can be taken for granted, but for me, it is a miracle I had given up on about 4 years ago. It is strange to have hope again. It is strange to think I could be counted as one of the pregnant ones!

I am debating about whether or not to take a home pregnancy test on Sunday or not. I feel like it would just be a waste of money and I also don't want to get a false reading and either have false hope or false disappointment. What do you think? Should I do a home test or not?

Embryo Transfer Day!

This verse sums up why we chose embryo adoption. God has knit these tiny lives together from the moment of conception and they deserve a chance.

For all of you who have asked for a more detailed update, here it is! We are thrilled to announce that 2 healthy 8 cell three day embryos were implanted into my uterus this morning. I was thankfully able to sleep pretty well last night in the hotel, which doesn't always happen the first night in a new bed. But, I did wake up at 5 AM (3 AM Colorado time!) wide awake and I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep so I read and took a shower.

Our hotel serves a yummy Bob Evans style continental breakfast so we went down for that and then just came back to the room to wait out the 2 hours before we'd have to leave for the clinic. I took it as a good sign that I hadn't heard anything from the clinic by the time we got in the car to drive there because I knew they had either thawed the embryos yesterday evening or this morning. The only thing I had any real anxiety about was whether or not the embryos had survived the thaw.

Shaun and I both had some nervous energy this morning just waiting to leave for the clinic so we did 100 jumping jacks and some other calisthenics to get our blood pumping and to use up all that energy:-) Once we got to the clinic we found out right away from the nurse that all four embryos had survived the thaw! I was so relieved and excited to hear that. She told us we'd be using the 2 that are eight cell and that they won't know for a few more days if the other two will be viable to be refrozen. I don't understand all of that scientific stuff but it sounds like they have to stay in culture for now, they can't just be immediately refrozen. I trust the Lord's hand with those 2 remaining embryos and will let you know what happens to them.

We were ushered into the procedure room where the embryologist showed us a picture of our two baby embryos. It was so amazing to see! Those tiny microscopic lives have everything they need to become the babies God created them to be. Then I had to have an ultrasound right away to get pictures of my uterus and make sure my bladder was full enough. Boy, was it full enough! I had to pee so bad, which is what they want, but it wasn't very comfortable as she pressed down onto my bladder.

 Seeing our two babies for the first time!

The doctor came in and did the transfer which only took about 5 minutes. It was slightly uncomfortable, the worst pain being some minor uterine cramps. We got to see the embryos get scooped up into the catheter by the embryologist and then the doctor implanted them. Laying there for 30 minutes on my back afterward was the worst part because I had to use the bathroom SO bad. I felt such peace and joy though. Finally those little lives are safe where they belong rather than being frozen in time.

Joy and relief that 2 embryos are now safe and snug

We fly home tomorrow evening and until then it will be lots of resting in bed as well as some low activity so I keep my blood flowing. Shaun and I are enjoying the peace and quiet and relaxation while our girls are having a blast with Oma and Opa.

Musings about these baby embryos

Our 4 baby embryos will be thawed in about 2 days and we will finally get to "meet" them. As it gets closer it is really starting to hit me that those 4 tiny lives have been entrusted to us and all I can really do at this point is pray that at least 1 or 2 will survive the thaw. Each embryo has something like a 40% chance of survival. It's hard to say exactly because I have read different stats on different websites. We feel so at peace about the Lord leading us to this point so I want to believe wholeheartedly that we will get through this experience and in 2 weeks have a positive pregnancy test. I told Shaun yesterday that I find myself mentally preparing for disappointing news, but I don't want to think negatively at all. I want to believe with all of myself that God has brought us to this place and has answered some huge prayers to get us here so it will happen. I know it's important to remain positive but I also am not God so I know I don't know anything for sure.

It's partly because I've faced so much disappointment in the fertility/infertility world that I honestly can't really even imagine getting a positive pregnancy test at this point. It's strange to know that I actually will be pregnant on Thursday. So, I've decided to be completely positive, to use positive words and believe that the Lord's purpose is for at least one baby to be born from these 4 embryos. I can deal with the heartache at the time it comes if I need to but why try preparing for something that may not even happen, right?

We found out last week that we will be thawing all four embryos, and all four were frozen on day three originally. We will be implanting the two healthiest looking embryos right away after the thaw rather than waiting to see if any survive to day 5 in the lab. Embryos are implanted either on day 3 or day 5. The nurse at the clinic asked us what we wanted to do and it was hard to know what is best. It's strange making these decisions because it is so unnatural, yet we have to make them. Ultimately though, I'm not sure it matters what day we implant them on because I truly do believe that whichever embryos are meant to live will live. I am thankful to serve a sovereign God who's hand controls even the tiniest 8 cell embryos!

I will keep you all up to date once we know more on Thursday after the transfer is complete!

One week away. How am I feeling?

So many kind and wonderful people have been so gracious to me this week.  Each person I have shared our journey with has been so excited and encouraging. So many people have prayed for us and are praying for us and these babies. I am mostly feeling relieved to be at this point, to be looking forward to next Thursday morning.

To sum up how I'm feeling I would say I am hopeful but realistic. I am very aware that we may get to the end of this journey with no baby to snuggle and no pregnancy to experience. But, I am also so excited about the fact that these babies have a great chance at life in a week. I completely trust the Lord's sovereign will for us and our family. That doesn't mean I won't grieve if I end up miscarrying, but ultimately it will be okay because God will give us the kids we are supposed to have and He will allow the embryos to live if He chooses to. That is something I have learned over the past 5 years of infertility, foster care, and adopting the girls. Through those challenges the Lord has moved in our lives, changing and molding us and for that I am so thankful.

So, I will continue with the meds, the prayers, and the planning of our trip to Detroit with excitement, hope and faith. Next Thursday will be here before I know it!

Overwhelmed by God's Faithfulness

I had a day last week that was rough. Things were getting stressful with the remodel we are doing right now which is taking up my time and making me feel like a distracted mom, Shaun is job hunting and working a lot, and then I find out that the drugs I will need to be on for the rest of the time up until a positive pregnancy test and 4 weeks later will be very expensive. I was having a difficult time trying to contact my insurance company to find out what they would and would not cover. I don't know if it's just me but I feel like my brain gets all fuzzy as soon as insurance people start talking to me with their confusing terminology. It just stresses me out!

Anyway, Shaun and I had a date planned for that evening (thanks to an Old Chicago gift card that needed to be used) and I was really looking forward to getting everything off my chest. My plan kind of back fired though because my stress only added to his stress and we began really questioning if embryo adoption was really the direction the Lord is leading or if it is something we are doing out of our own desires. Things in our lives are pretty crazy right now as Shaun transitions from full time employment to part time and we launch into seriously building our business. We are spending a lot on this remodel, and there will be some hefty adoption fees/medical bills to pay in the next couple of months. Finances are pretty tight and we are cutting down in every area possible. We have even decided to sell Shaun's beloved Jeep for the sake of what is best for our family right now!

I say all this not to complain, but to set up the rest of the story so you can get an idea of how I was feeling that day.....

We get to the restaurant and by this time we are both seriously questioning our own sanity in trying to do this embryo adoption right now, but we also recognized that God is able to do more than we can imagine and He would see us through any financial struggles if He chose to put us through that. So, we sat in our van and prayed. We prayed specifically for a clear sign of what to do next, a sign to show us that we should continue down the road of embryo adoption. I have truly from the beginning felt like it is the direction the Lord was leading but it's easy to start to question when things get tough.

Dinner ended up being enjoyable and we were able to put aside our worries for a bit to just enjoy each other and the yummy food. We decided to take a hard look at our finances together when we got home (in our family I manage the details of our finances so Shaun doesn't always have as clear a picture of everything like I do). After going over things, I realized that it would be about $5000 to complete this embryo adoption and our savings was quickly dwindling down. I wasn't sure what we were going to do.

Shortly after talking all of this over, we find out from a friend that she and her husband had decided about a month ago to give us $5000 but they just hadn't gotten around to actually giving us the check yet. She said they both felt led individually to give us this money because it wasn't their money anyway, it is God's money and so they are giving us this incredible gift out of the abundance that the Lord has provided them. I starting sobbing, completely overwhelmed by the Lord's faithfulness and ability to meet our greatest needs and even our greatest desires. I told Shaun and he simply said, “Well, I think we got our answer. We continue on with embryo adoption with the Lord's blessing.”

3 weeks!

Three weeks from today we will be boarding a plane to come back home from Detroit with 2 baby embryos safely nestled in my womb. That will be the most pregnant I've ever been and it's strange to think that right now I am soon to be pregnant. We know that there is no guarantee that I will stay pregnant but for the days following the embryo transfer until my first blood draw I will be the happy mommy of two more little ones.

I started my meds on Sunday and so far it's been easy. All I am doing is applying new estrogen patches every other day and taking a baby aspirin every day. I will go in for an ultrasound next Thursday to make sure my lining has thickened and then if all goes well I will start on progesterone and a couple other things a week after my ultrasound. Then, I will be ready for the frozen embryo transfer on October 2nd! I am getting excited!

Through all of this I continue to remind myself that the Lord is in control. We have prayed earnestly for guidance about how to build our family and we have been clearly led to this place. Now, we trust God to do as He wills and we hold fast to the hope that we will soon be parents again to one or two little embryo babies who need a loving home to grow up in. But, even if these babies don't survive we will trust in the good plans God has for our family.

Cysts Be Gone

I am very happy and relieved to report that my two giant cysts have been drained and we are on our way to the embryo transfer set for October 2nd! We decided to make a family trip out of this whole ordeal since we had to return to Detroit for the surgery. The girls made it through their longest road trip yet (16 hours) on Saturday when we arrived at Shaun's parents house in the Chicago suburbs.
We had a fun couple of days there before setting off again, just the two of us, to Detroit. We camped one night at a state park on Lake Erie, which was fun, but SO hot and humid. I am not used to that humidity being from Colorado for the past 6 years!

Yesterday was my surgery, it was a long day of waiting around because I didn't have to check in until 12:30, and surgery wasn't until 2:30. But, we made it. I was surprised to find out that I would be going under full blown general anesthesia, but I knew from December that anesthesia shouldn't be a problem so that set me at ease a little bit more.

Once I woke up and the anesthesia wore off, I was pleased to discover that I wasn't in any pain at all. And happily, this morning I feel the same way, as if I had never even had surgery. And I haven't taken anything for pain. So, all in all I am so glad we went this route. If I had gotten my cysts taken care of in Colorado Springs the doctors there all required me to have another laprascopic surgery which would have put me in 2 weeks of pain, unable to hold or carry my girls.