Tomorrow is almost here!

This is the stage of our baby/babies right now (8 weeks)

It's been a long week. Subzero temperatures means we've been inside all week without going anywhere and I've been counting down the days to my first ultrasound. MOPS was cancelled today because the schools were on a 2 hour delay and I was so looking forward to an outing! I am anxiously excited to finally get this ultrasound tomorrow at 10 AM. Is there one or two babies safely growing inside of me? I can't stop thinking about it and am so ready to know.

If I am totally honest I have to say that I would prefer just one baby after raising one set of twins. Doing twins again is slightly terrifying and so is the thought of being pregnant with twins.We transferred two embryos because we wanted to give both babies a chance at life knowing each embryo only has a less than 50% of surviving. Ultimately we know God is in control of life. He knows what is best for our family, and I trust that. I don't wish for one of these babies to die or not live so I guess it's hard to describe my desires. I guess we will just have to wait and see what tomorrow reveals. More than anything I hope and pray that we will see at least one healthy, growing, thriving baby and see the flickering of his/her tiny heart!

Meeting the midwife

Call the Midwife anyone?

Today we met the midwife for the first time. It was just a consultation to get any questions answered as well as to schedule my first ultrasound. I was very happy with the vibe that I got from the midwife we have chosen. She seemed like a very gentle, calm, kind person. Just the kind of person you'd want to help you through one of the most challenging days of your life.

My first ultrasound will be next Friday. I am excited to finally find out if our family will be adding one or two more people to it! I think there is just one baby but I've had many people tell me they think it's twins. Nine more days and we will know for sure.

I've had several people ask me lately why in the world I am choosing a midwife and a homebirth so I thought I'd give you my top reasons. I know some of you may strongly disagree with these reasons but that is why I am thankful we live in a country where we are able to make these decisions for ourselves. What is right for me may not be right for someone else.

#1 reason I desire a homebirth:
I want to be in control of my own health and the health of my baby in a setting that enables me to labor how I choose and away from the likely interventions that doctors and hospitals can pressure women into who are under a serious amount of pain and stress.

#2
I want to work with a midwife who has a similar philosophy of health that I do. Pregnant women are not sick  and often don't really need a doctors care. I firmly believe that there are more c-sections performed in this country that are actually medically necessary. Midwives are more willing to work with a woman through her labor and not try to rush things. Plus, there are plenty of studies that have proven midwives delivering at home is very safe for women who have no medical problems.

#3
I greatly desire a natural birth experience and being in a hospital setting would put me right in the place that would tempt me to receive pain meds or an epidural in my moments of intense pain. I have confidence in my bodies ability to deliver a baby without pain meds and since this is most likely my one and only pregnancy I'd like to have that experience.

Positives and Negatives

As I was cleaning the kitchen after our usual Saturday breakfast of pancakes and eggs I found myself thinking about the positives and negatives of sharing this journey with you through this blog. For sure one of the big negatives is the fact that I am only 6 weeks 5 days pregnant. Most women aren't even sharing their pregnancy news by this time because early miscarriages seem to be so common. I am very aware of the fact that I am very early in my pregnancy and anything could happen. I don't live in fear of miscarriage at all, but I am not naive. I have known too many women who have experienced the tragedy of early miscarriage and have read many stories of embryo adoption that have started out with good blood results only to find out their baby wasn't growing at a healthy rate soon thereafter.

Sharing this journey means I am opening myself up to having lots of people I know and even some I don't know completely aware of our loss if a loss were to happen. That would make it very hard to face people because I would have a hard time knowing how to handle their sadness for me. On the other hand, if all goes well and our baby continues to grow healthy and strong, we have the blessing of sharing our joy with so many. This baby is a miracle and it is my hope that learning about embryo adoption will lead people to share about it with people they know who might want to consider this option as a wonderful solution to infertility. Educating people is really the main reason we decided to be so open about everything we are going through. There are so many frozen babies needing to find a family!

People have been asking me a lot how I am feeling. The best way to sum it up is that I walk around feeling mildly car sick most of the time and I am more tired. I will lay my head on my pillow during the girls' quiet time each afternoon and I actually fall asleep! I have always had a hard time actually taking naps but that is not a problem anymore. Shaun and I are getting in the habit of heading to bed before 9 PM every night. He gets up before 5 AM for his bus driving route and I am just tired!

We have our first appointment with our midwife next week Wednesday. It is just a consultation to ask her any questions we have and to make sure we are both comfortable with having her as my midwife. Then I will hopefully get my first ultrasound scheduled for the following week. I need to get an ultrasound around 8-9 weeks so I can send a copy to the fertility clinic in Michigan.

We got our first note from the genetic family the other day once they received the news that I am pregnant. They said they are very happy for us and would enjoy hearing updates throughout the pregnancy as we find out more. It's good to know they have positive feelings about this pregnancy although I can imagine it's also difficult to some degree.

Hurdle #3

This morning we officially crossed over hurdle #3 when I received my results from my third and final blood test. The hcg level for this last test was 6067! Anything over 4000 is what we were hoping for. I am so encouraged that each test had such great numbers. Now to wait for my first ultrasound and find out if there are one or two babies in there! My hopes have always been to have a homebirth if I were to ever get pregnant, but in Colorado midwives cannot treat women pregnant with multiples. So, if it is a singleton I will go with a midwife. If it is twins I will go with my obstetrician. Time will tell and until then I will just enjoy being pregnant.

More good news

No, I didn't take a HPT. This is just an image from the web.

We got more good news this morning when my lab results showed up in my inbox. My HCG level was 995! This basically means the baby (or babies) are continuing to grow as they should be doing. My level on Monday was 154 and the numbers are supposed to double every 48 hours or so. One more test to go on Tuesday and then I am pretty sure the next thing will be an ultrasound at 6 or 8 weeks (right now I am 4 weeks 5 days). Things are starting to feel real. I still say to Shaun every day "I am pregnant! That is so weird to say. So surreal." 

It just goes to show you can never predict how things in your life will turn out. If you are reading this and you are wondering if you will ever be a mom or if you will ever get to carry a child, please don't give up hope. God sees you and knows your heart's desire. I am in awe of the way the Lord has written our story. Definitely not the way we would have written it, but abounding with blessing along the way. I am so thankful. We have two sweet girls who we didn't meet until they were 4 months old, but who are now 3 1/2 and the light of our lives! And, we have been blessed with the dream of experiencing pregnancy by giving life to embryo babies that were frozen over four years ago. Amazing, just amazing.

Results are in.....

The past couple of days have been longer than the first 10 all together but I survived the dreaded 2 week wait. Although in my case it was actually 12 days. I also resisted the temptation to pee on a stick! But, alas, I finally got the results we've been waiting for and I AM OFFICIALLY PREGNANT! I honestly never thought I'd say that until the idea of embryo adoption because a reality about 6 months ago. Then there was hope again.

The numbers looked great today, exactly where they should be for 4 weeks pregnant. Now I will have another blood draw on Friday and another next Tuesday because I guess sometime the first reading can be good and then the embryos could stop growing and numbers could drop down again. But, we are not expecting that and we remain positive and expectant of wonderful blessings for our family with the knowledge that there is life within me. We have crossed this first hurdle and it feels great!

In honor of my twin girls

Today's post is in honor of the two little ladies whom I have the privilege of mothering each and every day. There was a time not too long ago that I wondered why God gave me such a strong desire to be a mother if He would withhold that blessing. Then, on July 20, 2011, I met for the first time two blond haired, blue eyed, tiny babies who stole my heart right away. They just felt like ours! Fourteen months went by as I loved them as my own even though there was another woman who called herself mommy, who saw them three times a week, who loved them in her own way but in the end just couldn't be the kind of mother that they needed. Katie and Addie, you made me a mommy, the only title I ever really wanted. I feel so blessed and privileged to wake up and get to spend each day with you.

 I have been pondering how I will respond if next week I don't get a positive pregnancy test (even though I am fully expecting and planning for a positive!). I feel very confident and hopeful, but I also know I am not God and cannot say for sure what is going to happen. The past 4 years have had their share of heartaches for me as we walked through infertility, then we started foster care and had to say goodbye to all four of the little boys who were entrusted to us even though we would have happily adopted any of them. Knowing that Katie and Addie are permanently part of our family and that I will forever be their mommy has made all of that heartache worth it. It has also helped me to realize that if for whatever reason, a baby isn't the end result of this journey, I will be okay. If we were going through this and it was our last shot at becoming parents I know it would be hard on a whole different level. The Lord has taught me much about contentment. I can and will be content with the family He has given me no matter what. I'm sure I will still grieve if these baby embryos don't survive but I completely trust God's plan for them and for us. It's a great place to be!