3 days and 3 nights was enough!

 

 The Oceanside Pier where we strolled and ate dinner at the diner which is at the end of the pier

Shaun and I celebrated our 5th anniversary on June 16th. Since it always falls during Shaun's most busy time of the year it is hard to actually find time to celebrate. This year we actually didn't do anything in June to celebrate but decided to wait until a more opportune time (aka- less busy time) arose. We were fortunate to nab a great online deal for $50 for 2 nights in a hotel in various locations around the country.
At first I wanted to try Las Vegas because I have never been and because airline tickets from Denver to Vegas are cheap. I quickly changed my mind when a couple people assured me I would hate it there. Shaun and I are outdoors people who don't like crowds, don't really like visiting big cities, and would rather hike or drive around in God's beautiful creation than eat at fancy restaurants and sight see at various glitzy hotels/casinos.
So, needless to say, we chose Oceanside, CA instead. On the map it looked close enough to San Diego to be able to utilize a major airport, and it looked small enough to not give off the big city feel. We flew out Saturday morning and returned Monday afternoon. Shaun and I had a great time walking along the beach, sleeping in, soaking in the hot tub and eating out without two squirrely girls in tow, but I missed Katie and Addie so much more than I expected. As we left Denver International Airport, I started to feel more and more anxious as we crept closer and closer to picking up the girls. My mamma heart just wanted to hold them tight and make sure they knew I would never abandoned them.
The family who took care of the girls for the weekend said they did great but that they would sometimes walk around crying, calling out "Mommy". They said it was great to see the bond the twins have with us and how they never once became mommy or daddy to them.
It makes me incredibly grateful that these sweet girls who came to us as tiny little neglected babies, who couldn't even make eye contact because they were hardly ever held, nurtured, or loved in the first 4 months of their lives are now very bonded and attached to us. We are in the fullest extent of the words, Mommy and Daddy. The Lord has knit our family together and we are so thankful!
I was thankful for the break and a chance to enjoy being just a wife, rather than wife and mommy. However, I would say that until the girls are old enough to completely understand that we will be leaving but will be back in however many days, 3 days is quite long enough to be away!

My Feelings Exactly

I thought that once we were at a more secure place with our adoption of the twins in process, I would be able to move on past the pain of infertility. I knew there would always be a part of me that longs to carry a child of my own, but I didn't expect to continue to experience the emotions of sorrow, anger, and jealousy. Sometimes those sinful emotions rear their ugly heads at the most unexpected times. When I think of possibly never carrying a child the emotion I most strongly feel is deep sadness. I am happy to say that I am at the point in my journey that I can honestly say I am thankful for infertility. I am very content (most of the time!) with our family and what God has planned for us in the future. I wouldn't change our story for anything because I can't imagine life without our sweet baby girls, but the desire for a biological child is still very strong.

I subscribe to the "Stepping Stones" newsletter which is a publication of the infertility ministry of Bethany Christian Services. Yesterday I received their latest newsletter and the cover article so poignantly addresses what I feel and what so many infertile couples feel. I want to share the article with you now. If you are one of the people who is going through infertility may this article speak to your soul and validate your feelings. If you know someone who continues to struggle with infertility even after successfully adopting a child, may you read this and have a better understanding of what they may be going through.

Unresolved Infertility By Rev. John Van Regenmorter

After years of infertility, Joe and Carla have finally adopted a child- a bright and happy little girl from China. While visiting Carla's parents to share their joy, Grandma's first comment is "Now that you've adopted, I sure hope you're over that infertility business."

Was Grandma right? Is adoption a cure for unresolved infertility?

Before answering that question, allow me to quickly state that I love adoption. Our oldest two children were adopted through Bethany, and my wife and I would not change that experience for anything in the world. The two most thrilling phone calls we ever received were from Bethany letting us know that there was a child we could adopt!

Adoption is a wonderful blessing. However, we should not make the mistake of thinking it cures every aspect of the loss and grief of couples with long-term infertility. Adoption can resolve some of the pain of infertility, but infertile couples must come to grips with losses that adoption will not cure. In fact, the process of adoption can sometimes bring these losses into sharper focus. These include:

The Loss of Becoming Pregnant and....

-experiencing new life and seeing the first heartbeat on an ultrasound
-joyfully announcing the pregnancy to family and friends
-wearing maternity clothes and receiving well wishes from others
-talking about pregnancy with close friends and comparing notes
-giving birth and breastfeeding

The Loss of a Genetically-Related Child

What do we look for first in a baby? Isn't it which parent he or she resembles? It is natural for a couple to long for a child who shares their genetics and to grieve not having such a child. To paraphrase writer Michael DeVries: Didn't God Himself create human beings in His own image and likeness? Is it strange, then, that couples would desire a child who is the beautiful blending or their genetic blueprints?

Grieving Our Losses

Couples who adopt after infertility need to acknowledge their losses and grieve them together. If the couple does not reflect on their losses and pray about them together, they may not be ready to fully enjoy the amazing blessing of adoption.

Focusing on What Matters

I read a poem once that went something like this, "Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but in it." For most adoptive parents, this becomes a reality.

Couples who joyfully adopt a child after infertility think of that child as an awesome blessing with unique characteristics and talents.In all that counts, these parents discover that the boy or girl who has entered their heart and their home really is their child. They praise God because they know that this is the child He intended for them. What really matters is the blessing, and this should be the central focus of the adoption experience, not the losses.

Our newest great adventure

The time is drawing near for the adoption of the twins, and as we have anticipated that exciting day, we also anticipate losing a significant amount of income from the state because the girls will no longer be in the foster system. Several months ago, Shaun and I were considering our options for adding extra income and we quickly realized that we were sitting on a gold mine of great opportunity through the Shaklee products we have been using for over 5 years now.

We have absolutely loved Shaklee's natural products- we use their cleaning stuff, nutritional supplements, and a few of their beauty products because we know and trust the company as being the number one natural nutrition company in the US as well as having TONS of scientific research to back up all of their claims. We also have had great results. When we were first married, Shaun had some pretty bad allergies and acne. We got him on some nutritional products to begin building up him immune system and we began eating healthier. Through that first winter we were both healthier than we had been in a long time. Shaun no longer suffered such terrible allergies, his acne significantly improved, and he even stopped being allergic to our dog, Zorro over time. I was no longer plagued with monthly colds through the long winter.

Anyway, now that I've bragged about the great products (oh, did I mention they have THE BEST cleaning stuff I've ever used!) I want to let everyone out there know that we have decided to launch into our next great adventure as Shaklee Independent Distributors. We are really excited to start this business on the side as sort of a "tent building" business to help support the continued ministry work that we are doing at Eagle Lake Camp.

We have our own Shaklee website: SLG.myshaklee.com were you can learn about the products, become a member, or just order products as a guest. We have a great passion to help people gain back their health through the use of these great products as well as through a healthier lifestyle.

No faces but still adorable

Finally, a new picture of the girls that we can post on our blog! They are still considered foster children until the official adoption takes place, so we can't show their faces. Aren't they still adorable though:-) This was taken yesterday and about 3 minutes before the shot, we taught the girls how to hold hands. They cooperated pretty well for being 18 months old!

How can I feel so happy yet so sad at the same time?

Yesterday the judge terminated the parental rights for both of the birthparents. It was another very long day in court listening to testimony that continued to point out the fact that bio mom is not capable of showing empathy, nurturing, and love to her children. Much of her deficiency is due to her tragic past filled with trauma that she has not dealt with. It is a very sad fact that her upbringing rendered her an unfit parent to all 5 of her biological children. She continues to make bad choices in relationships and is in a very dark place.

When the judge spoke the verdict yesterday afternoon, my heart was pounding. I was squeezing Shaun's hand and hoping and praying that the Lord would rescue our sweet girls from the grip of the same childhood that their biological mom had had. I was so utterly relieved, joyful, and thrilled that we would not ever have to say goodbye to K and A only to have them returned to a very unfit parent. At the same time, I was filled with empathy and compassion for this 24 year old woman who had just had her 4th and 5th children permanently removed from her care. I was struck by how the world is really messed up- how our sin has ruined the family structure in so many ways. I am so grateful for a God who can redeem and bring good out of even the most ugly circumstances, but the extent of human suffering overwhelms me sometimes. Shaun and I will continue to pray for the twins' biological parents. They are both in very dark places. Only when they figure out that Jesus Christ is their hope in this world will anything ever really be able to change.

and it continues....

After a very long day in court today we left with no concrete answers because there was not time to finish all of the testimonies. The judge postponed the remainder of the hearing until Thursday morning saying that we will for sure be done by noon on Thursday.
The most remarkable thing about today was that Shaun and I were both covered in an amazing peace. A few people told me that they couldn't believe how calm and peaceful I seemed to be. After a very emotional and trying 14 months, it was truly a gift from the Lord to have that peace today. In fact, I have been experiencing that peace for the past several weeks and it has been such a blessing.
The hearing today left us mostly feeling encouraged although it was very difficult to sit there and listen to all the witnesses testifying. Our hearts feel a lot of sadness for the situation that the birthmom is in and although we do not believe the twins should ever go back to her because she is not in a healthy place, we feel a lot of compassion for her as a child of God. She is in a very dark place and has had an incredibly difficult life until now. It is sad to see how the patterns of her childhood are now being repeated in her life and the lives of her older children. We only hope and pray that the twins are saved from that cycle of destruction and are able to stay with us forever where they can learn about how much their Heavenly Father loves and cares for them and where we can continue to love, protect, and nurture them as they grow.

Down to the Wire

In exactly 5 days from now we will be sitting in a courtroom for the termination hearing that will determine whether or not the birthmother's rights will end that day. We are very relieved that the end is most likely near. If the judge rules in favor of termination that means we will be done with visits, done with having to get birthmom's permission to take the girls anywhere, done with so much of the emotional turmoil involved with foster care. We are trusting that God has brought us this far for a reason and we feel very secure in what the verdict will be on Monday. If termination happens there is a chance that she will appeal the decision which means we would have to wait several months before we could get an adoption date, and we are anticipating that she will appeal because it seems like most birthparents do. The good thing is that even if she appeals, visits will still be done and we can begin to enjoy like without the constant reminders of foster care.

Please pray with us for Monday. Pray specifically for wisdom for the judge, for clarity of speech for all the witnesses testifying, for comfort for the birthmother if her right's are terminated, for strength for us as we sit through hours of testimony. We will let you know how things went and we hope and pray we will have good news to share!