My Feelings Exactly

I thought that once we were at a more secure place with our adoption of the twins in process, I would be able to move on past the pain of infertility. I knew there would always be a part of me that longs to carry a child of my own, but I didn't expect to continue to experience the emotions of sorrow, anger, and jealousy. Sometimes those sinful emotions rear their ugly heads at the most unexpected times. When I think of possibly never carrying a child the emotion I most strongly feel is deep sadness. I am happy to say that I am at the point in my journey that I can honestly say I am thankful for infertility. I am very content (most of the time!) with our family and what God has planned for us in the future. I wouldn't change our story for anything because I can't imagine life without our sweet baby girls, but the desire for a biological child is still very strong.

I subscribe to the "Stepping Stones" newsletter which is a publication of the infertility ministry of Bethany Christian Services. Yesterday I received their latest newsletter and the cover article so poignantly addresses what I feel and what so many infertile couples feel. I want to share the article with you now. If you are one of the people who is going through infertility may this article speak to your soul and validate your feelings. If you know someone who continues to struggle with infertility even after successfully adopting a child, may you read this and have a better understanding of what they may be going through.

Unresolved Infertility By Rev. John Van Regenmorter

After years of infertility, Joe and Carla have finally adopted a child- a bright and happy little girl from China. While visiting Carla's parents to share their joy, Grandma's first comment is "Now that you've adopted, I sure hope you're over that infertility business."

Was Grandma right? Is adoption a cure for unresolved infertility?

Before answering that question, allow me to quickly state that I love adoption. Our oldest two children were adopted through Bethany, and my wife and I would not change that experience for anything in the world. The two most thrilling phone calls we ever received were from Bethany letting us know that there was a child we could adopt!

Adoption is a wonderful blessing. However, we should not make the mistake of thinking it cures every aspect of the loss and grief of couples with long-term infertility. Adoption can resolve some of the pain of infertility, but infertile couples must come to grips with losses that adoption will not cure. In fact, the process of adoption can sometimes bring these losses into sharper focus. These include:

The Loss of Becoming Pregnant and....

-experiencing new life and seeing the first heartbeat on an ultrasound
-joyfully announcing the pregnancy to family and friends
-wearing maternity clothes and receiving well wishes from others
-talking about pregnancy with close friends and comparing notes
-giving birth and breastfeeding

The Loss of a Genetically-Related Child

What do we look for first in a baby? Isn't it which parent he or she resembles? It is natural for a couple to long for a child who shares their genetics and to grieve not having such a child. To paraphrase writer Michael DeVries: Didn't God Himself create human beings in His own image and likeness? Is it strange, then, that couples would desire a child who is the beautiful blending or their genetic blueprints?

Grieving Our Losses

Couples who adopt after infertility need to acknowledge their losses and grieve them together. If the couple does not reflect on their losses and pray about them together, they may not be ready to fully enjoy the amazing blessing of adoption.

Focusing on What Matters

I read a poem once that went something like this, "Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but in it." For most adoptive parents, this becomes a reality.

Couples who joyfully adopt a child after infertility think of that child as an awesome blessing with unique characteristics and talents.In all that counts, these parents discover that the boy or girl who has entered their heart and their home really is their child. They praise God because they know that this is the child He intended for them. What really matters is the blessing, and this should be the central focus of the adoption experience, not the losses.

Our newest great adventure

The time is drawing near for the adoption of the twins, and as we have anticipated that exciting day, we also anticipate losing a significant amount of income from the state because the girls will no longer be in the foster system. Several months ago, Shaun and I were considering our options for adding extra income and we quickly realized that we were sitting on a gold mine of great opportunity through the Shaklee products we have been using for over 5 years now.

We have absolutely loved Shaklee's natural products- we use their cleaning stuff, nutritional supplements, and a few of their beauty products because we know and trust the company as being the number one natural nutrition company in the US as well as having TONS of scientific research to back up all of their claims. We also have had great results. When we were first married, Shaun had some pretty bad allergies and acne. We got him on some nutritional products to begin building up him immune system and we began eating healthier. Through that first winter we were both healthier than we had been in a long time. Shaun no longer suffered such terrible allergies, his acne significantly improved, and he even stopped being allergic to our dog, Zorro over time. I was no longer plagued with monthly colds through the long winter.

Anyway, now that I've bragged about the great products (oh, did I mention they have THE BEST cleaning stuff I've ever used!) I want to let everyone out there know that we have decided to launch into our next great adventure as Shaklee Independent Distributors. We are really excited to start this business on the side as sort of a "tent building" business to help support the continued ministry work that we are doing at Eagle Lake Camp.

We have our own Shaklee website: SLG.myshaklee.com were you can learn about the products, become a member, or just order products as a guest. We have a great passion to help people gain back their health through the use of these great products as well as through a healthier lifestyle.

No faces but still adorable

Finally, a new picture of the girls that we can post on our blog! They are still considered foster children until the official adoption takes place, so we can't show their faces. Aren't they still adorable though:-) This was taken yesterday and about 3 minutes before the shot, we taught the girls how to hold hands. They cooperated pretty well for being 18 months old!

How can I feel so happy yet so sad at the same time?

Yesterday the judge terminated the parental rights for both of the birthparents. It was another very long day in court listening to testimony that continued to point out the fact that bio mom is not capable of showing empathy, nurturing, and love to her children. Much of her deficiency is due to her tragic past filled with trauma that she has not dealt with. It is a very sad fact that her upbringing rendered her an unfit parent to all 5 of her biological children. She continues to make bad choices in relationships and is in a very dark place.

When the judge spoke the verdict yesterday afternoon, my heart was pounding. I was squeezing Shaun's hand and hoping and praying that the Lord would rescue our sweet girls from the grip of the same childhood that their biological mom had had. I was so utterly relieved, joyful, and thrilled that we would not ever have to say goodbye to K and A only to have them returned to a very unfit parent. At the same time, I was filled with empathy and compassion for this 24 year old woman who had just had her 4th and 5th children permanently removed from her care. I was struck by how the world is really messed up- how our sin has ruined the family structure in so many ways. I am so grateful for a God who can redeem and bring good out of even the most ugly circumstances, but the extent of human suffering overwhelms me sometimes. Shaun and I will continue to pray for the twins' biological parents. They are both in very dark places. Only when they figure out that Jesus Christ is their hope in this world will anything ever really be able to change.

and it continues....

After a very long day in court today we left with no concrete answers because there was not time to finish all of the testimonies. The judge postponed the remainder of the hearing until Thursday morning saying that we will for sure be done by noon on Thursday.
The most remarkable thing about today was that Shaun and I were both covered in an amazing peace. A few people told me that they couldn't believe how calm and peaceful I seemed to be. After a very emotional and trying 14 months, it was truly a gift from the Lord to have that peace today. In fact, I have been experiencing that peace for the past several weeks and it has been such a blessing.
The hearing today left us mostly feeling encouraged although it was very difficult to sit there and listen to all the witnesses testifying. Our hearts feel a lot of sadness for the situation that the birthmom is in and although we do not believe the twins should ever go back to her because she is not in a healthy place, we feel a lot of compassion for her as a child of God. She is in a very dark place and has had an incredibly difficult life until now. It is sad to see how the patterns of her childhood are now being repeated in her life and the lives of her older children. We only hope and pray that the twins are saved from that cycle of destruction and are able to stay with us forever where they can learn about how much their Heavenly Father loves and cares for them and where we can continue to love, protect, and nurture them as they grow.

Down to the Wire

In exactly 5 days from now we will be sitting in a courtroom for the termination hearing that will determine whether or not the birthmother's rights will end that day. We are very relieved that the end is most likely near. If the judge rules in favor of termination that means we will be done with visits, done with having to get birthmom's permission to take the girls anywhere, done with so much of the emotional turmoil involved with foster care. We are trusting that God has brought us this far for a reason and we feel very secure in what the verdict will be on Monday. If termination happens there is a chance that she will appeal the decision which means we would have to wait several months before we could get an adoption date, and we are anticipating that she will appeal because it seems like most birthparents do. The good thing is that even if she appeals, visits will still be done and we can begin to enjoy like without the constant reminders of foster care.

Please pray with us for Monday. Pray specifically for wisdom for the judge, for clarity of speech for all the witnesses testifying, for comfort for the birthmother if her right's are terminated, for strength for us as we sit through hours of testimony. We will let you know how things went and we hope and pray we will have good news to share!

Appreciate your prayers

At the risk of sounding like a broken record to many of you who either read this blog, get our newsletter updates, or speak to us in person frequently, we would really appreciate your prayers over the next couple of months. We are really getting down to the final days and weeks before a final decision could be made about the twins and everything about foster care is starting to really wear us down emotionally and spiritually.

I struggle the most because my day to day routine involves 3 visits a week with birthmom, multiple phone calls every month from professionals involved in the case, paperwork that has to be filled out for everything the girls do (or so it seems!), worry and fear about losing my family in 2 months, constant crying out to God for help as I struggle to keep my head above water some days.

Shaun struggles because he hates seeing what it all does to me and he hates that he can't fix it. It's a battle that is tough on our marriage.

I don't mean to complain, but I just wanted to be honest about where we are at right now. We feel helpless sometimes but then we remember that prayer is not a helpless thing to do. It is the MOST powerful thing we can do.

Suckerpunched

Things didn't go as we were hoping at court today. Birthmom has been making some progess the past few weeks and because of that, the judge is encouraging her that she is doing good and if she keeps it up she can get her kids back. None of the professionals in the case are convinced that birthmom is actually making real progess but they still don't have hard evidence of that fact.

Visits will be increasing and becoming unsupervised for the first time in 12 months. This part of it will be incredibly difficult for us to bear, especially if and when they incorporate overnight visits into her schedule. But, we always knew it could come to this and we also know that it's definitely not over yet. As birthmom has more time with the girls she will really have to step it up in order to handle them well. We just pray that the truth is revealed in the next couple of months.

New Life!

Less than three weeks after the fire raged though Eagle Lake Camp there are signs of new life! What a beautiful sight to behold. Just wanted to share this glimpse into what is happening in those fire ravaged areas:-)

Nothing Is Wasted

From the ruins

From the ashes

Beauty will rise

From the wreckage

From the darkness

Glory will shine

Nothing is wasted

Nothing is wasted

In the hands of our Redeemer

Nothing is wasted

The lyrics of this song keep ringing through my head as I reflect on the events of the past 2 weeks. I have read so many beautiful posts from others that put into words so much of what I've been feeling. I wonder if I will even be able to express some what has happened in such a way, but I want to try.

From the ruins, from the ashes, beauty will rise. What a beautiful thought. As I drove up to Eagle Lake with Shaun on Thursday, I was able to see the extent of the fire damage. There were areas that literally had nothing left except blackened, burned tree trunks. No green. No life. Anywhere. There are homes that have all the trees and grass leading up to their backyards completely burned, but by some miracle, their home is still standing. Then, there are homes completely leveled, resembling the scene of a bomb zone from a sci-fi movie. Those families will feel the impact of this fire for months and years to come and my heart grieves for them.

Houses burning in the neighborhood just across the street from us (Photo courtesy of Canon City Daily Record)

So many stories we've heard have had a similar theme...."When we left our home on Tuesday afternoon we felt certain that there would not be a home to return to." God certainly put His hand of protection on thousands because the fire had the potential to do so much more damage than it did.

Now we look to the rest of the summer anticipating the good that God will bring out of this devastation. Our hearts are heavy with the thought of the hundreds of kids who are saddened and disappointed because they won't get to come to camp. Eagle Lake will not be the tool God uses to reach the hearts of those kids, but we pray that He touches them in some other way. We are grateful that Glen Eyrie was spared and that ministry can continue through that property. We will continue with the day camp program for the remainder of the summer as well as launching the new Mobile Day Camp in a couple of different locations. One of the Excursions programs will also continue because it is a program that involves hiking five 14ers in the Collegiate Peaks and that area is a couple hours away from the burn area.

Shaun and the rest of the Eagle Lake staff are moving forward, looking to what needs to be done to provide impactful camp experiences in the summers to come. Some of the areas that we have always used for our adventure activities will likely need to be changed so Shaun will be looking into that and scouting out potential new hiking and biking routes.

Next spring when new life begins to grow in the blackened, dead areas, it will be such an exciting time. We will see God's creative hand at work in new ways. God will use the brokenness, the heartache, the unexpected losses, to bring about His beauty in His ways. For the earth, for Eagle Lake Camp, for all those who lost their homes.

Effects of the Waldo Canyon Fire

It has been almost a full week since the Waldo Canyon Fire began to burn just a few miles from Eagle Lake Camp. Thinking back on it, we really didn't think it was going to be something that would keep us off of the Eagle Lake property for long. All the families packed a few bags of stuff but now I wish I had stuffed my van full before leaving.

This week had been a bit of a blur. After evacuating from camp we moved back into our townhome thinking we would just hold tight there for as long as we needed. We were preparing ourselves for the worst at camp but we really didn't think our home in Colorado Springs was in danger. Then on Tuesday afternoon everything changed. A storm rolled through the area that had very high winds. The fire exploded into a raging fury, rolling down the hills just a couple miles from our home. In a matter of 30 minutes our neighborhood went from a peaceful area far from danger, to a smoke filled, wind gusting, panic stricken place. It is hard to describe how quickly it changed and how scared we felt, but as we were driving away, stuck in bumper to bumper traffic as over 32,000 people were trying to leave one small area at once, I have never felt so close to my own death. I am truly amazed that there were not deaths reported the following morning.

Once we got to the home of the wonderful family who took us in on very short notice, we all sat around the TV, watching in disbelief as billows of smoke and raging fire ravaged through the neighborhood we just left 2 hours before. We felt fairly certain that the fire must have reached our townhome but then a picture came on the TV that confirmed it had not crossed the street and was indeed being held back from burning everything we owned. It was still incredibly difficult to watch as hundreds of homes less than 1/4 mile from us went up in flames. Lots of Navigator families and families from our church live in the area that was burning so we knew our community would be greatly impacted.

Monday and Tuesday were also days of wondering whether or not Eagle Lake Camp was still standing or if the fire had destroyed that property as well. It was difficult to think too far beyond what was happening in the present because I couldn't really fathom losing the opportunity to minister at Eagle Lake with the rest of the staff. It made me so sad to think that the impact of Eagle Lake could come to an end in a matter of days but I also knew that God calls even good things to come to an end sometimes.

I am happy to report that God performed a miracle this week by preserving Eagle Lake in awesome ways! All of the buildings (with the exception of a few cabins/tents) are still standing and much of the land is still green. The firefighters who are on that property truly did an incredible job of preserving a place that means a great deal to thousands of people. We were all able to see pictures of what the property looks like, and we all see the hand of God at work. He is doing a new thing and we are excited to see what the future holds. As of right now, even next week is still unknown but we trust in a God who knows the past, present, and the future.

This weeks travels

This week Shaun and I will be going our seperate ways as I head to Iowa for a much anticipated family reunion and he embarks on a mountain climbing adventure!

I leave on Wednesday with the girls to drive 12 hours to Orange City, Iowa to have a fun long weekend with my dad's side of the family.  One of my cousins lives in Ft. Collins, CO and she and her husband are going to take the long drive with us. I am so thankful for them because I don't think I could have made it out to Iowa all by myself with 15 month twins! I'm looking forward to seeing all of my relatives, most of whom I haven't seen since before we were married.

Which brings me to my next point....this Saturday marks our 5th Anniversary! It will be the first time Shaun and I have spent our anniversary apart, but such is life I guess. It will also be the first time we haven't celebrated by staying one night in the Glen Eyrie Castle. I think we are just going to postpone that until much later in the summer when things calm down a little bit. It has been a roller coaster ride for the past 5 years, but I have been blessed to ride that coaster with a wonderful Godly man. Life has thrown us things that we did not expect but I'm very happy to say that the trials and the pain, as well as the joy and beauty of marriage have only grown us closer. Here is a little blast from the past to remember that special day :-)

This week Shaun will be finishing up four weeks of Excursions staff training by going on what we call Staff-X. It's a time of reflection, bonding, and fun for the 14 college staff that will soon be leading groups of campers on wilderness adventures. They will be traveling a few hours west to camp at the base of a 14,000 ft mountain. Early on Wednesday morning they will wake up to summit the peak and then be put on a 24 hour SOLO in the wilderness  in order to have a time of rest and reflection. This will be the first summer I have not been able to go on Staff-X with the Excursions staff so I am sad to miss out, but I know they will have a wonderful time in God's magnificent creation. Starting next Sunday we look forward to welcoming the first group of Excursions campers to Eagle Lake for what we pray will be a summer when many lives are changed and molded after Christ.

One small step

We are so relieved to report that today's court hearing moved us one small step closer to adopting the girls! The judge ruled to begin moving slowly toward termination of the birth mother's parental rights. There is still not a lot of strong evidence for or against the birth mother, but there was enough against her today to make the judge see that this is the direction that things need to start moving.

Our prayers are still that the girls' birth mother would get out of the darkness that she is living in, but we also realize that being their parent is most likely not what is best for the girls. Only God knows the outcome but we are so thankful for the news we received today. The coming weeks will be much easier to handle.

Thoughts on Mother's Day

Today I find myself thinking a lot about the journey we have been on for almost 2 1/2 years and the journey that so many other women find themselves on. Mother's Day is a wonderful way to celebrate the mothers in our lives. Both Shaun and I are blessed with wonderful mothers who gave sacrificially for and to us as we were growing up and now continue to give of themselves to their grandchildren and adult children. I want to celebrate the special women in my life who have been blessed as mothers.

However, I know the pain that Mother's Day means for so many women who have experienced infertility, miscarriages, or the death of a child. That journey often means a Mother's Day filled with tears, avoiding church because it is too painful, and wondering if the longing you feel for a child will ever be fulfilled. I know that pain first hand and I don't ever want to forget about it. I still feel it sometimes because my identity as a mother is not set in stone. Each day I rise to the sweet chatter of 14 month twin girls who are mine in my heart, but not in the eyes of the law. I live with the fear of losing these sweet girls, but I have also had my hearts desire fulfilled as we've embarked on the journey of foster care. The pain in my heart has lessened over the past year and I thank God for that.

If you are reading this and are a woman who longs for a child but God has not granted you that desire, I hope you know that God still loves you with an everlasting love. He sees your pain and is right there holding you up with His right hand giving you strength for THIS day. The emotions you experience are real and even though no one else on earth may understand exactly what you are feeling, God knows. He has a purpose. It took me a long to believe that for myself, but as I've seen Him working in our lives He has proven Himself faithful.

A friend of mine who has also traveled the road of infertility recently reminded me of this hymn. The lyrics are poignant and true. Sometimes it just takes time to see the truth.

Praise to the Lord, who o'er all things so wondrously reigneth
Shelters thee under his wings, yes, so gently sustaineth
Hast thou not seen how all thy longings have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

From "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty"

Update on the Continuing Foster Care Saga

There was a court hearing yesterday which we were hoping would bring clarity as to which direction the case would be going from here on out. Ultimately, the judge ruled that he wants to give the girls' birthmother more time to either prove or disprove if she is a fit parent. So, we will have another hearing at the end of May at which time we should know whether or not things are moving toward termination of birth parent rights or toward reunification with the birth parent.

It seemed evident yesterday that the judge tends to be swayed strongly toward birth parent rights and having them meet minimum requirements in order to get their children back. However, the other professionals on the case seem to agree that the birth mother has had a really bad history with her other children and that she is not really making any real changes that would make her a fit parent for the twins. So, we continue to pray that the truth will be revealed over the course of the next couple of months. There is a very likely possibility that I will be bringing the girls for even more visits with their birth mother because the judge wants to give her more hours with them to see if she has indeed made improvements in her parenting. Visits are always really hard so I will need extra strength and courage to do what is required. Only by God's grace can we travel this difficult road.

No Thief Like Fear

 Some lyrics to a song by Jason Gray have been resonating with me the last couple of days. I leave you with the lyrics below, but first, let me tell you why the words have meant so much to me. Over the past month or so, I have begun to realize that one of the greatest sins in my life is fear. I've always been the worrying type, thinking of the worst case scenario when my thoughts start to get the best of me. However, I've never really been convicted of the sin in this until now. Through a women's Bible study I'm in I've realized my need to learn what it means to fear the Lord and nothing else. My most urgent prayer is to be released from the bondage of fear and worry. It is possible to live in freedom from those sins but I've never really believed that until now. Enjoy the lyrics- they are really powerful!

"No Thief Like Fear"

Fear will take the best of us
Then come back for the rest of us
Its raging hunger never satisfied
It’s closer than a brother
And more jealous than a lover
Who holds you while it swallows you alive
Let down your guard
And it will steal your heart

There’s no thief like fear, no
There’s no thief like fear, no
Oh oh oh oh oh oh

I’ve tried to blame bureaucracy
The weak-knees of hypocrisy
And the cruel and shifting winds of circumstance
But I know insecurity
Is the worst of my own enemies
He sings his lonely song and I will dance
As he robs me blind
Right before my eyes

There’s no thief like fear, no
There’s no thief like fear, no
Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Set me free, set me free
Oh my God set me free
From these chains holding me
Oh my God set me free

There’s no thief like fear, no
There’s no thief like fear, no
There’s no thief like fear, no
There’s no thief like fear, no
Oh oh oh oh oh oh

I am free, I am free
Oh my God has set me free
From these chains I am released
For my God has set me free

I am free, I am free
Oh my God has rescued me
From these chains I am released
For my God has set me free

Update on Life

Things are getting busy around here as we gear up for another summer with Eagle Lake Camp. Shaun is in the midst of hiring the summer staff who will serve as counselors for the kids who come to camp. So far he has filled more than half of the positions and only has 3 more guys to hire. For some reason the girls positions always fill faster...I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that the females ALWAYS turn their applications in 1-2 months before the guys typically do?? This has been a noticeable pattern since we started in 2009!

We are really looking forward to another summer of camp life. It is such a blessing to live in community with the rest of the Eagle Lake staff for those 4 months. The summer is a rich time of spiritual growth and challenge. It will also be fun to have the girls up there with us. They will most likely be walking all over the place by then!

Speaking of the girls, they will turn 1 in exactly one week! It's crazy to think about how much they have changed in the past few months. It was only Christmas that they were not even crawling and now they are moving around and doing everything but walking on their own. They are a joy and a delight and we often lay in bed at night and remark to each other how stinkin' cute our little girlies are!

I am keeping busy at home going through a similar routine each day. I love my time with the twins but trying to maintain a somewhat organized and clean space as well as provide wholesome meals for my family can prove challenging at times. I've found that I don't enjoy cooking as much as I used to because I have to manage fussy girls each afternoon as well as try and get a meal prepared. One of these days it will get easier again. When does that late afternoon fussiness end? Whenever that is, I'm looking forward to it! Lately I have really enjoyed the beautiful Colorado weather with 1-2 walks each day. The girls seem to also enjoy the great outdoors as long as the wind isn't blowing too hard!

We are also happy to report that our visits with the girls' paternal grandmother went really well. We are greatly encouraged and it seems like she is really starting to trust us and is becoming very open to the idea of us keeping the girls rather than trying to raise them herself. Time will tell. We continue to have open communication with her and to send her pictures and videos. Thank you for all your prayers!

Meeting with the girls' paternal grandmother

Over the next couple of days Shaun and I will be taking the girls to a couple of visits with their paternal grandmother. We have been in direct communication with her over the past couple of weeks and now she has flown in from out of state to spend some time with her grandchildren. We are praying that as she spends time with us and with the girls she will begin to trust us and see that we are really serious about wanting her to be in the girls' lives. Right now she seems determined to try and get custody of the girls because she doesn't believe that we would honor our word when we tell her that we want her to always be their grandmother and to have contact with them.
We are continuing to trust in God's sovereignty and we hope and pray that He will perform a miracle in the grandmother's heart this week. Will you join us in praying the same thing?

Is Worry My Idol???

Do you ever worry? Do you ever think constantly about something that is happening in your life that seems impossible and endlessly difficult and painful? I do. In fact, that has been my daily struggle for the past 6 months. It sometimes amazes me how I can flip from feeling total trust in God's plan to a place where I cannot see anything good coming from my situation. Oh, to be human. Oh, to be sinful and so far from the holiness that God calls me to!

For those of you who are like me, who worry and fret and live an anxiety filled life, I want to leave you with words from my daily devotional. This was yesterday's reading from the book "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.

WORSHIP ME ONLY. Whatever occupies your mind the most becomes your god. Worries, if indulged, develop into idols. Anxiety gains a life of its own, parasitically infesting your mind. Break free from this bondage by affirming your trust in Me and refreshing yourself in My Presence. What goes on in your mind is invisible, undetectable to other people. But I read your thoughts continually, searching for evidence of trust in Me. I rejoice when your mind turns toward Me. Guard your thoughts diligently; good thought-choices will keep you close to Me.

Psalm 112:7 and 1 Cor. 13:11 

27

Today I turn 27 years old. I was reflecting this morning about how things aren't exactly how I expected them to be on this day to mark my 27th year. Two years ago we started trying to have a baby. I thought I'd have a one year old child by now. However, month after month the disappointment came, month after month I asked God why not me when so many of my friends were having babies?
In my heart I already knew the answer to that question. I've always felt that if God didn't see fit to give us biological children it would be okay because we would adopt. Adoption has always been something I've wanted to do, so maybe God would form our family through that means. However, I wasn't prepared for the pain that infertility brought.
Sometimes the journey we end up on is not one we would ever choose, but it is a journey that is necessary and filled with sweet blessings in the midst of the pain. Our sweet twin girls are one of those blessings. If you would have told me 2 years ago that we were going to do foster care and that we would come to love these two blond twin girls like our own even before they were officially ours, I would not have believed you.
I often think about the fact that if I had become pregnant on our timetable I would have missed out on knowing and loving these girls and the 3 sweet boys that we cared for before them. God knows what He is doing and this journey is teaching me to trust in His plans more than my own. There is still pain involved in the journey but with God's grace I choose daily to focus on the blessings more than the pain.

An Enemy Can Have Many Faces

Over the past couple of weeks I've really felt an urging by the Holy Spirit to pray for the twins' birthmother. I've specifically been praying that God would give me love for her. I've realized recently that in many ways I view her as my enemy. Not because she has ever done anything mean or spiteful to me. In fact, we have not spoken very much at all considering we've had her biological children in our care for the past 5 1/2 months. No, she is my enemy in my heart because I view her as the largest threat to us being able to keep our sweet girls.

All of this was really brought to a head yesterday because Shaun went to the latest court hearing and we found out that she is doing really well with her treatment plan. Our caseworker has assured us that reunification is not anywhere in the near future, but still, it doesn't make us feel very confident when we hear that the birthmother is doing well with her treatment plan. After all, the laws are all in place to protect the birth family's rights. Foster parents really don't matter at all until the rights of the birth family have been officially taken away.

As I just said, this latest news doesn't make us feel very confident- in ourselves and our own power to change the situation. However, we continue to believe that God can perform the impossible and being able to keep the girls is starting to sound impossible from a human perspective. Shaun has an especially strong faith that these sweet girls will be ours in the end. We just can't see it from our perspective right now.

We were praying over the whole situation last night and God really started to do a work in my own heart. I began to sense that the Lord wants to work in mighty ways over the next few months. Not just to let us keep the girls, but in a bigger sense, He wants to transform lives! God cares as much for the birthmother as he does for us. He wants us to show her His love. So far in this whole process we have done a pretty terrible job of that. We have only seen things from our perspective of wanting the girls. If we will be obedient in loving well, then God can transform not only her life and heart, but our hearts as well.

So, that has become my predominant prayer. May God give us supernatural love for the girls' birthmother and may our hearts and hers be transformed by the love of Christ. May she be able to make loving choices for her children and may the lives of these sweet little baby girls be protected and placed into the arms of the parents God has chosen for them.

I write this today because we covet the prayers of God's people. This is a very difficult road to travel down but God continues to lift us up. Will you join us in petitioning our Heavenly Father?