Trusting that God is Able

Last week was filled with a lot of tears and frustration as I tried to figure out a solution to these cysts. I found out that the local fertility doctor and my gynecologist are not willing to do the more simple, less invasive procedure which is to drain the cysts vaginally. I am pretty adamant about avoiding another laparascopic surgery since I just had that done in December. Surgery carries too many risks, as well as about a 2 week recovery. Getting the cysts drained vaginally will take care of the problem and allow me to safely become pregnant, but it is much less invasive, requires only a local anesthetic, and there is usually no recovery time.

So, after many a phone call with several doctors, as well as an appointment last week with my gynecologist, we have decided we will go back to Michigan to have the same doctor who will be doing the embryo transfer do the procedure to drain my cysts. We will bring the girls with us on a road trip to visit Shaun's family in the Chicago area, and then Shaun and I will take a quick trip to Detroit to get this all taken care of. Our responsibilities at Eagle Lake Camp won't be done until mid-August so we will head to Chicago toward the end of August. We now have a tentative embryo transfer date of October 2nd. Everything is delayed about a month, but we know we need to take care of these cysts to give these embryo babies the best chance at life.

Shaun and I are feeling the strain of all the changes happening in our lives, with a major remodel under way on the home we are sharing with my parents, finishing up our time at Eagle Lake and beginning to go on the hunt for future employment, the medical and financial responsibilities of doing embryo adoption. It can all feel like too much sometimes, but we have reminded ourselves of what Jesus teaches in Matthew 6 about worry and about how He promises to provide for our every need. We do not need to fear or worry about tomorrow. We simply need to walk forward in faith, doing our part to serve God's kingdom faithfully. What a comfort for my soul on the tough days.

A Bump in the Road

Friday I had an ultrasound. The purpose of this ultrasound was to give the fertility doc a baseline to know what he's dealing with, specifically regarding whether or not I have cysts on my ovaries again. He told us that if the cysts were too large that I would need to be put on Depot Lupron for a little while and then have the cysts drained in order to proceed with the frozen embryo transfer.

My ultrasound revealed 2 large cysts. The one on my right ovary is bigger than the left at almost 8 cm. I gave that information to the doctor and he was very concerned that if we proceed with the fertility medications I have to be on for a month before the transfer that the cysts and endometriosis will only grow and then if I got pregnant and the cysts ruptured I could lose the baby and have other complications.

I almost started to cry on the phone with the nurse at the clinic because that was not the news I wanted to hear. I really hate the thought of surgery again but I also don't want to lose the baby if I were to get pregnant. I felt despair, like we had reached the end of the road because I only saw the $$$ that these extra procedures and medications would end up costing. We are coming to the end of our insurance with the Navigators and we were really hoping to get all the big procedures out of the way before the end of August. I went home and cried with Shaun and he and I prayed and talked over the next 24 hours about how we should proceed.

We decided we would rather walk ahead in faith and trust in the Lord and His provision, rather than fear and doubt. We know God promises to provide our needs if we seek His kingdom first. Now, a few days later I am still feeling very overwhelmed by this new bump in the road. There are a lot of appointments to make, coordinating between the clinic in Michigan with my local gynecologist, and now the possibility of adding another doctor into the mix because I may need a local fertility specialist to perform the procedure to drain my cysts.

I came to a realization tonight that the reason I am struggling so much with this news is because I really believed that the Lord would make this a smooth road. I knew before the ultrasound that all of this was a possibility but I didn't really think it was a possibility in MY case because I believed that God would prevent me from needing further medical treatment in order to allow me to give these embryo babies life. It's been good to recognize this in myself and go before the Lord with my sin. I am not God and I don't understand His ways. I can only walk with Him as He leads us on this path, taking one step at a time, one phone call at a time, one doctors appointment at a time until He either closes the door or we have the privilege of bringing a baby home.

I pray that God gives me courage to face each new test, phone call, procedure because this is the path we have chosen and believe He has guided us to.

First appointment with a fertility doctor

 Bob Evans is apparently favorite childhood restaurant of Shaun's from his years in Ohio (learned something new about my hubby!). He spotted one near our hotel so we had brunch there. We are only a few hours away from our appointment and getting excited and nervous.

After the appointment we had several hours to kill before needing to head to the airport. The Henry Ford museum was only a few miles away so we decided to walk around outside since we were too cheap to pay admission. Here is Shaun posing with Henry.

Whew! Back from a whirlwind trip to Detroit. Shaun and I are feeling encouraged. We had two big concerns and neither should prevent us from moving forward in this process of embryo adoption.

Our first concern was how my endometriosis and possibility of having ovarian cysts again would affect the success of this process. I really don't want to undergo another laparascopy to remove the cysts before being able to proceed with the FET (frozen embryo transfer). Thankfully the doctor agreed that I shouldn't need to remove the cysts if my next ultrasound reveals that they have indeed come back. He said that women who cannot get pregnant through natural means because of endometriosis usually do very well with IVF, or in our case, a process very similar to IVF. So that just confirmed to me that we are headed down a road that has a good chance to be successful!

Secondly, timing was a big question in my mind. Going into the appointment I was hoping and praying that we could work everything out to be able to do the FET sometime in the first half of September. I am at a perfect place in my current cycle for that to be possible so I am really excited to know that we will hopefully be able to do the transfer in September. Then I would have a due date of late May or early June if everything goes well and these embryo babies take hold and stay alive inside my uterus. We also confirmed that we will transfer two embryos. I am honestly still trying to wrap my head around the possibility of having twins again, but ultimately I trust God to give us the children we are meant to have.

A large part of our appointment was spent speaking with the RE (reproductive endocrinologist), getting all of our questions answered. He was very patient and soft spoken which I really liked. Then we spent a long time with a nurse going over all of my medication protocol for the next 2 months. I left feeling a bit overwhelmed and still confused but thankfully I will be in very close contact with her so she can make sure I am taking all the medication at the right time. She found out I am a registered nurse and was relieved because I am not freaked out about giving myself injections and she didn't have to train me in how to draw up and administer injections!

This fertility clinic was also really great about letting me get as many tests, medication, and appointments done through my local gynecologist as possible which will hopefully help financially because our insurance will cover more of those things when they are not being billed through a fertility clinic. I will find out today how much my local doctor is willing to help me out, but she has been pretty great about that so far so I don't think it will be a problem.

Overall it was a really good trip. We now know what to expect over these next 2 months, we had a positive experience with everyone at the clinic, and now I have the fun time of starting all sorts of meds, getting ultrasounds and bloodwork, and praying that everything stays on track for an early September FET.

Thoughts on the next few months

One week from today, Shaun and I will be boarding our plane to head to Michigan for the initial patient appointment at the fertility clinic. I am relieved that we are almost at that point because I have a lot of questions that won't be answered until we can speak with the doctor who will be performing the embryo transfer.

I find myself often wondering what the fate of these 4 embryo babies is. How many will survive the thaw? Will ANY survive the thaw? What will our next step be if this first try isn't successful?

I feel a responsibility to these 4 frozen lives and I just hope it all goes smoothly. But, ultimately I rest in the sovereignty of God. He knows each of those babies by name. He knows if any of them will ever walk upon this earth on this side of heaven. He knows the children He has for our family. It's exciting to imagine the possibilities and realize our family could be welcoming a new addition within the year. Yet, I brace myself at the same time, knowing this could all end with no babies in our arms, and all 4 in heaven. Lately I have also been feeling incredibly thankful for the 2 sweet girls who already fill my arms each day. This process would probably be much more difficult on me if I wasn't already a mom.

Don't think I am preparing myself for bad news. I trust the Lord to give us what is for His glory and our good. I guess I am just enough of a realist to know it may not end how we hope. I am mostly just thankful to be given this opportunity to give life to these babies and experience pregnancy at the same time.

I promise to post another update when we return from Michigan next week!