I thought that once we were at a more secure place with our adoption of the twins in process, I would be able to move on past the pain of infertility. I knew there would always be a part of me that longs to carry a child of my own, but I didn't expect to continue to experience the emotions of sorrow, anger, and jealousy. Sometimes those sinful emotions rear their ugly heads at the most unexpected times. When I think of possibly never carrying a child the emotion I most strongly feel is deep sadness. I am happy to say that I am at the point in my journey that I can honestly say I am thankful for infertility. I am very content (most of the time!) with our family and what God has planned for us in the future. I wouldn't change our story for anything because I can't imagine life without our sweet baby girls, but the desire for a biological child is still very strong.
I subscribe to the "Stepping Stones" newsletter which is a publication of the infertility ministry of Bethany Christian Services. Yesterday I received their latest newsletter and the cover article so poignantly addresses what I feel and what so many infertile couples feel. I want to share the article with you now. If you are one of the people who is going through infertility may this article speak to your soul and validate your feelings. If you know someone who continues to struggle with infertility even after successfully adopting a child, may you read this and have a better understanding of what they may be going through.
Unresolved Infertility By Rev. John Van Regenmorter
After years of infertility, Joe and Carla have finally adopted a child- a bright and happy little girl from China. While visiting Carla's parents to share their joy, Grandma's first comment is "Now that you've adopted, I sure hope you're over that infertility business."
Was Grandma right? Is adoption a cure for unresolved infertility?
Before answering that question, allow me to quickly state that I love adoption. Our oldest two children were adopted through Bethany, and my wife and I would not change that experience for anything in the world. The two most thrilling phone calls we ever received were from Bethany letting us know that there was a child we could adopt!
Adoption is a wonderful blessing. However, we should not make the mistake of thinking it cures every aspect of the loss and grief of couples with long-term infertility. Adoption can resolve some of the pain of infertility, but infertile couples must come to grips with losses that adoption will not cure. In fact, the process of adoption can sometimes bring these losses into sharper focus. These include:
The Loss of Becoming Pregnant and....
-experiencing new life and seeing the first heartbeat on an ultrasound
-joyfully announcing the pregnancy to family and friends
-wearing maternity clothes and receiving well wishes from others
-talking about pregnancy with close friends and comparing notes
-giving birth and breastfeeding
The Loss of a Genetically-Related Child
What do we look for first in a baby? Isn't it which parent he or she resembles? It is natural for a couple to long for a child who shares their genetics and to grieve not having such a child. To paraphrase writer Michael DeVries: Didn't God Himself create human beings in His own image and likeness? Is it strange, then, that couples would desire a child who is the beautiful blending or their genetic blueprints?
Grieving Our Losses
Couples who adopt after infertility need to acknowledge their losses and grieve them together. If the couple does not reflect on their losses and pray about them together, they may not be ready to fully enjoy the amazing blessing of adoption.
Focusing on What Matters
I read a poem once that went something like this, "Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but in it." For most adoptive parents, this becomes a reality.
Couples who joyfully adopt a child after infertility think of that child as an awesome blessing with unique characteristics and talents.In all that counts, these parents discover that the boy or girl who has entered their heart and their home really is their child. They praise God because they know that this is the child He intended for them. What really matters is the blessing, and this should be the central focus of the adoption experience, not the losses.
