Embryo Adoption story from a donor family perspective

I recently read a story of an open embryo adoption from the perspective of a donor family and wanted to share it with you. I really enjoy hearing from their side as it is so unique. I have many people ask me about how our donor family feels about everything, and although I know each person has unique thoughts and feelings, I do get the sense that our baby's genetic parents feel similarly to the couple in the story below. I hope you enjoy!

Our infertility story covers more than 20 years and stands as a testimony to God’s awesomeness, wonder, faithfulness, love, and grace! Pregnancy is supposed to be the most natural and “easy” part of marriage right? Not in our case. However, the journey was worth it! Carl and I married right after my freshman year in college. After some testing when I was 19 years old, I was officially diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome and told that I’d struggle with infertility. After graduating from college, I went off all contraception because Carl and I decided that whenever I might get pregnant would be okay with us. After three years with no success, we decided to seek infertility testing and advice. Over the next two years we did all the basic testing, monitoring & rounds of fertility drugs but to no avail. We agreed it was time to stop. 

I was discouraged, frustrated and angry! I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had told me we’d have children, and I was impatient! I was really hoping that that meant NOW. Thankfully, God knew better and His ultimate plan was SO much better than I could have ever even dreamed! My reproductive symptoms & issues continued to escalate over the next six years with very little answers. By the time we had been married for 13 years, we both felt that it was God’s timing to seek fertility help again. We were stationed in Virginia at the time, and were referred to a fabulous infertility doctor and her team. They were able to determine a whole list of other reproductive problems that no one else had been able to identify like advanced endometriosis, ruptured cysts, glucose intolerance, adhesions, left tube blockage, etc. After a miscarriage, our doctor also determined that my body fights a fetus like a virus and worked to kill it within the first few weeks of gestation. She also determined that I had had multiple undiagnosed miscarriages throughout our marriage. It was determined that my only safe alternative for a successful implantation and pregnancy was IVF. 

Our first IVF cycle was unsuccessful, but the second was a tremendous success! We had 13 very strong embryos. The doctor implanted two embryos and we waited and prayed. When the ultrasound specialist informed us that both embryos implanted & we were having fraternal twins I think they had to pick me up off the floor! At 17 weeks, my husband received orders to move to San Diego, CA. Pregnant with twins, we drove cross country to a new city with no friends or family anywhere close. I was promptly put on bed rest. Blood tests then revealed that I had developed hypothyroidism and gestational diabetes. To make things even better, my husband had to deploy for two months. Well, we’ll just say that this time was exceptionally challenging! After months of bed rest, 2 months hospitalization, and LOTS of medications, the babies & I made it to exactly 34 weeks and I delivered two beautiful baby girls.

 That’s the end, right? Not quite! I quickly developed a severe case of postpartum depression that was debilitating, my husband worked 12 hrs a day, and we had very little help for the first three years. Our journey was difficult, but a true testament of God’s grace, faithfulness, presence and provision in the midst of trials and drama! Now, as you can imagine, neither my husband nor I thought it wise to try again. Carl and I struggled with what to do with our 11 remaining precious embryos. We were not about to destroy them or donate them for medical research. After a great deal of prayer and research, we found the Snowflake Program and agreed that placing our 11 angels for adoption was the best next step for us. It took us some time to move on our decision. It is truly difficult to convey the challenge of releasing control (which I don’t do well at all) of something so precious, to someone else to raise . On the flip side, however, what better gift could we give another couple than to pay forward the incredible blessing that God had given us! We know the struggles; pain; physical, emotional, mental & spiritual turmoil; and stress on a marriage that infertility brings. 

By 2010, we had firmly made the decision to place our embryos for adoption and gotten the paperwork from the Snowflake Program, but didn’t fill it out. We’ll just go with the “waiting for a sign” theory; and we got it! My endometriosis returned after the birth of our twins. My doctors in Florida agreed that a complete hysterectomy was the correct course of action and scheduled surgery for January 2011. 5 DAYS before my surgery, I found out I was pregnant! What a COMPLETE shock this was to us and our family! Our third little girl was born happy, healthy and full of smiles!!! After getting over the shock of our miracle pregnancy, we jumped right on the embryo adoption paperwork and received our first potential adoptive couple’s biography. Call it a “gut feeling” or whatever you will, but Carl and I both knew IMMEDIATELY that this was the exact couple for our angels. If you aren’t/ can’t raise your children, it’s very important to choose an adoptive family carefully. You look for a couple who is as much like you as possible and with similar values. The adoptive family apparently approved of us too because it wasn’t even two more months before the adoption paperwork was processed, signed and complete. We chose an open adoption with the hope of at least some communication (pictures and such).

 We were thrilled in early 2012 to learn that the adoptive family was requesting to communicate with us directly. We then started emailing with our wonderful adoptive family who informed us that they had decided to fly out to Virginia Beach, VA to do the transfer where our embryos were located. And they wanted to meet us and the girls too while they were in the area! Oh my goodness…tears of joy! The evening of meeting them for dinner came. To say Carl and I were nervous about meeting them would be an understatement! It didn’t take but a minute before we were totally comfortable and realized that we had so much in common and hit it off beautifully! We shared stories, laughed until we cried, and acted like we’d all been friends for years! Any sense of doubt we might have had about putting our babies up for adoption was put to rest! Two weeks after their visit, we were blessed to learn that the transfer had been successful and the adoptive mom was pregnant and 9 months later their precious baby boy was born. 

Before going further, I’ll answer a few obvious questions. First, “Wasn’t it difficult for you knowing they were having a boy when you had three girls?” Yes and no is the answer. Yes, I suppose it would have been nice to have a boy. However, we have been greatly blessed with three wonderful daughters and have a total sense of family completeness. So, there are no feelings of resentment. Second, “Was it hard to see pictures of your genetic son when he was born?” Again, the answer is yes and no. Was it tough? Yes! We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t feel some pains, doubt, etc. But, some of the best things in life have bittersweet components. We had to look past our own desires, struggles and doubts to see what a blessing the gift of life could be to another family who had also struggled. Looking at the immense joy and huge smiles on the faces of the adoptive couple make every bit of the process worth it for Carl and me! Third, “Did you tell your daughters about their brother” and “If so, what did you tell them and how did they take it”? Yes, we told them a few months after he was born. I had started a “sibling” scrapbook for them to look at whenever they wanted. We explained that sometimes couples struggle to have children, like Mommy and Daddy. We needed help and used a process that created more children then we could have ourselves. So, Mommy and Daddy had given another couple (who also needed help) some of their brothers and sisters to raise and love too. The girls listened excitedly, looked at the pictures and were totally thrilled to have a little brother! 

Since his birth, we’ve stayed in contact with the adoptive couple regularly and were all blessed to learn that her second transfer was, once again, successful and she is expecting a little girl this spring. It is a wonderful thing to give the gift of life. To us, it is equally fabulous to be given the gift of friendship and extended family in such a phenomenally unexpected way! Only God can orchestrate something so unique. Carl and I were only thinking about the possibility of one child and God provided a testimony of awesomeness that included five children, two families and more to come. What does the future hold for our family, the adoptive family, our remaining embryos, and the relationship between them all? Only God knows! No matter what, we will stay the course and enjoy this exciting roller coaster wherever it may lead! Bring it on!

A year ago....

A year ago we got a call out of the blue. It was our foster care agency asking us if we would consider taking a newborn baby boy who was coming home from the hospital the next day. We hadn't expressed any interest in taking more placements at that time so we were shocked at the question. A baby wasn't on our radar at the moment. In fact, 2 months before I had undergone my first ever surgery to treat severe endometriosis and we were really hoping that we would be able to conceive naturally after that surgery. A year ago, I was once again in the midst of eating healthy and praying fervently for a biological child, specifically for a son.

Then, we get the call about this boy and my heart couldn't bear the thought of saying no. Shaun didn't feel the same. He had all sorts of practical reasons why it wasn't a good time. I couldn't think practically when I knew a newborn needed a home! We had 12 hours to decide. It was the hardest decision of our married life so far because we knew that if we said yes, it could mean forever.

The next morning we woke and still were not on the same page, but miraculously, after much prayer, we came to an agreement to say yes. We would put our trust in the Lord and believe this baby boy could be the answer to my prayers for a son. Baby Thomas came to us late that night. Shaun's heart immediately melted at the sight of such a vulnerable, tiny human being. I sprung into action, caring for him, getting out all the bottles and other baby stuff we would need, telling myself not to fall in love because we didn't know how long he'd be with us.

As it turns out, we only had Baby Thomas for 5 days. It was a sweet time, but I am thankful it was so short. I cried when I said goodbye to him, but it was more because of how hard foster care is, not knowing the future and loving and losing, than it was about my sadness over losing Thomas. I drove away from Thomas, his grandma, and his daddy thinking, "I can't do this foster care thing anymore. I can't bear loving and losing baby after baby. I think this is it for us."

I went home and shared my thoughts with Shaun. We agreed to pray and see where the Lord was leading. In the end, having Baby Thomas allowed us to close the chapter on foster care and it led us to begin praying about how God would grow our family from there.

I continued to pray for a son and I began reading more about adoption. Four years before I had read about embryo adoption but it didn't seem right for us. Now, maybe it was. I showed Shaun some videos. We prayed. We decided it was a good direction for us.

Now I sit here, pregnant with our son (and our daughter!). I am in awe of how God works, how he has given life to these babies that were frozen for 4 years, how he has knit our family and given me the chance to experience all the joys (and discomforts) of pregnancy:-)

3D pictures

Monday I had my 21 week ultrasound. Babies continue to thrive. Elaina is 15 ounces, Joel is 14 ounces. It was fun to see some 3D images of the babies and to once again be told that they are right on track.

Joel (top) and Elaina (bottom) say hi!

On another note, sleep is becoming increasingly more uncomfortable. My OB reminded me at my appointment that because there are two babies in there, my uterus is already as big as someone at 28 weeks with one. No wonder I am feeling big and pregnant and having trouble finding a comfortable sleeping position. I wake up with sore shoulders and neck from all the side sleeping that I am forced to do. Any tips from you who've been through this on how to sleep comfortably? Or am I just going to have to suck it up for the next 4 months? :-)

20 weeks: at least half way there!

I am twenty weeks today. This past week Shaun was able to feel the babies kick for the first time. I think that makes it more real for him for sure. I am feeling them squirm all over the place and I think I can usually determine who is who based on the fact that Elaina was breech and on the left at the last ultrasound and Joel was vertex and on the right. She kicks me right in the bladder and he kicks me up by my diaphragm. We both felt a hard lump that stuck around for a few seconds, maybe a knee or an elbow, this week too, which was very cool.

On Saturday I went thrift store shopping for Katie and Addie. I couldn't resist peeking at the newborn clothes and purchasing daddy gear for the new babies. This will probably be my only clothing purchase for them since I will be getting plenty of hand me down stuff along with what we already have. I can't get over how tiny these onesies are! Crazy we will have two tiny babies in less than 5 months!